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a dream (Free verse) by lmp lying on a grassy barrow,
staring at the dark night sky,
she noticed that the moon had risen,
and its face seemed about to cry.
she wondered at this luminous orb
and the cause for its apparent woe.
she could not bear to look on idly;
unto the moon she had to go.
when she approached she gently asked,
"why do you look so sad?
to shine amid the darkest sky;
should that not make you glad?"
the moon replied (if you can believe),
"child, i am always all alone
among the eternal darkess,
with no friends to call my own."
with that she reached out her own hand
to comfort this sad celestial face.
and when she withdrew her fingertips,
they bore a luminous trace.
she waved her arm and scattered wide
countless drops of glittering light,
and now the moon is not alone
when rising to the sky at night.
Up the ladder:
Glorious Turncoat, I Shall Return
Down the ladder:
Birdcalls
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 7.142857
Posted: April 12, 2006 10:48 AM PDT; Last modified: April 14, 2006 8:06 AM PDTWeighted score: 5.576303 Overall Rank: 2399 Comments:
oops... looke like i clicked the little "X" instead of the "reply" ro Dovina's comment. here it is:
Comments: Dovina 70.38.78.229 [7] 12-Apr-06/6:53 PM As good as any creation myth, except that it goes against knowledge. Myths generally do not contradict sound understanding at the time of their writing. That's why this on falls a bit flat. Still it's nicely written. Reply X ALChemy 24.74.100.11 [9] 12-Apr-06/10:34 PM It's a fable, not a myth. Reply X Dovina 70.38.78.229 [7] 12-Apr-06/10:38 PM Little difference. A fable is intended as untruth, where a myth is usually said to be true. Okay - fable. Picky, picky! Reply X ALChemy 24.74.100.11 [9] 12-Apr-06/11:29 PM It could have been a myth once. Yeah I know I'm picking on you but it's a freindly picking rest assured. :D
Dovina -
why does a poem need to be more than a simple flight of fancy? is it not a poem if it does not conform to the generally accepted "truth" of the day it was written? i hereby claim poetic license! :D i guess it is akin to seeing a colorfully marked animal, vegetable, or mineral and saying how beautifully "painted" it is. as if there are little gnomes running around with brushes and actually painting the world we live in. this peoem is an expression and not mant to be sold as truth. thanks for your comments; they are always welcome.
let's try that last line again:
this poem is an expression and not meant to be sold as truth. darned floating "e" cut its way in line from the "meant" to the "poem" in the post above.
That little red "x" is deceptive. I have made the same mistake. I suggest that you post a suggetion on the Suggestion board, pleading with Kaolin to give us a "Do you really want to delete this comment and all the comments under it?" so that if we hit the x accidently, we are not totally fuddered.
As for your poem, yes, its ok to write fantasy. and you've done it quite nicely here.
yeah i did post a suggestion asking to space them a bit further apart. maybe a "are you sure?" pop-up whose yes-button will pop up a "are you really, really sure?" and so on is a better idea.
thanks for the additional commentary on the poem.
or even put the X in the top right corner where people are used to looking for little red Xs.
An enjoyable yarn, with some beautiful word choice. It feels like you might extend it further, describing who 'she' is (a goddess, a creator maybe).
Nice read.
she is the starlight fairy, of course! at least that is the way i tell it to my daughter, although not in poem form.
Delightful read ~ something that belongs in a children's book.
thank you. glad you enjoyed it.
i enjoy reading it, it definately has a happy feeing to it.
a fairy tale ending for sure.
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knolls - to me - always instill a sense of "long ago" or a small hill that has been around for a very very long time. i don't think JFK's assassination should own the phrase for eternity, either. the word "mounds" always reminds me of dark chocolate over coconut, dirt, or baseball. ;P
i do agree with the comment about "looked" vs. "seemed". at first, i like the ambiguity - "looked about.... to cry" or "looked as if to cry". your note about causing the thought pattern to stumble is a good one; i will take it into advisement.
feel free to share this with your neice; in fact, i would be honored if you did. i hope she is doing better than your latest writing alluded to...