| Poem: Submit | Random | Best | Worst | Recent | Comments |
|
Sunlighting (Free verse) by ALChemy Swallows announce the end of yesterday.
The morning girl awakens to their song.
Her crayola sunrise paints over the gray
of fading night to dawn a bright sarong,
a flower-sprinkled emerald dress
that stretches to the horizonâs hem
and ripples in a warm windâs caress:
A playground for the cherubim.
âOh, Uncle Moon, please play with me,
while the dayâs still shining bright?â
âIâm so tired but Iâll try Sweetpea.â
And the moon missed work that night.
Up the ladder:
Popular Lovers
Down the ladder:
Five on Buddha against Bruce Lee
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 7.1666665
Posted: January 4, 2006 3:16 PM PST; Last modified: January 8, 2006 1:39 PM PSTWeighted score: 5.5827065 Overall Rank: 2347 The following users have marked this poem on their favorites list:
Comments:
Al,
Very nice. I love the way you flip traditional perception in the first line. It sets the tone for the balance of the poem which creatively describes the dawning of day while playfully personifying the relationship between moon and sun...at least that's the way I read it. Joe
Yep, you got it.
I was inspired by my niece. I work the nightshift and I miss alot of chances to spend time with her. Thanks Joe.
a favorite now. thanks.
very sweet, innocent, and lovely. a touch of melancholy, but a nice reminder of what is really important.
Thank you too.
I think my favorite type of response is one filled with adjectives. I'll try to take a look at more of your poems but I work nights so I've got to get some shut-eye right now.
A lovely, fanciful expression. I think "emerald dress that stretches to the horizonâs hem" would sound better and become grammatical as "emerald dress stretches to horizonâs hem"
Thanks D.
It's certainly more efficient but by stretching the sentence I think it causes the reader to linger on the images a little longer. But I'm still considering it.
The word "that" makes it not a sentence.
"To be or not to be: that is the question." Thank God Willy didn't listen to you. I may need a comma though, I'll give you that, or a colon after "sarong" and "caress". Punctuation isn't my strong point. What kind of sentence is "Eternal pasteless now." by the way? Oh I see it's different when you do it.
In short, of course it's not a complete sentence. So.
To do it your way would pull the fragmented sentence farther away from the sentence it's complementing.
I thought, mistakenly it seems, that you wanted constructively intended feedback. I only said it should be a complete sentence because all the other sentences in the poem are complete. Having this oddball "sentence" seemed jarring to me. If that's bad feedback, then what can I say?
I'm sorry if I came off as upset. I was merely confused by you stating something that is obvious. Usually doing that implies that you're either insulting someones intelligence or being vague about what you really mean to say. Apperantly it was the latter.
To call your previous comment constructive criticism is once again suggesting an insult to my intelligence. On the other hand your first comment is quite constructive and I even managed to take something from the second one but only because your reaction(not information) confirmed my doubts about the punctuation. Why you are jarred by this "oddball" sentence fragment and not by the one that immediately follows is a mystery to me. I can give you 13 examples of this type of "oddball" sentence in one great poem alone: Rudyard Kipling's "If". As you can see by my responses, I take something possitive from most of the feedback you make vague(not bad) or not. I respect you and I don't take the things you say lite, nor do I respond with spite.
Oh, cool it, you two. Here's Dovina doing all sentence fragments (and getting called on it):
http://www.poemranker.com/poem-details.j So clearly she doesn't think it's such a violation. For my bit, I think you'd do good without "that" but with "the" before "horizon's". Dropping articles always looks like bad fortune-cookie writing to me. I've long ago stopped caring about fragments, unless they're your whole poem.
You don't think dropping the "that" might pull the line farther away from the sentence it's supporting though? Doesn't "stretches to the horizonâs hem" without "that" come across as a statement about emerald dresses in general. Like "A dog that speaks french" as opposed to "A dog speaks french".
I could really use your help on what the proper punctuation should be in the poem's current form. I googled up like 5 different ways that people punctuated the "To be or not to be" quote.
And none of those are how Shakespeare would have written it.
You mean for the dress to be the sarong that she's painting, right? Then put a comma after sarong. That sounds good. For my money, the punctuation goes: Swallows announce the end of yesterday. The morning girl awakens to their song. Her crayola sunrise paints over the gray of fading night to dawn a bright sarong, a flower-sprinkled emerald dress that stretches to the horizonâs hem and ripples in a warm windâs caress: A playground for the cherubim. âOh, Uncle Moon, please play with me while the dayâs still shining bright?â âIâm so tired but Iâll try Sweetpea.â And the moon missed work that night.
PS-maybe a comma before "while", too.
Thank you. I really need to get good book on punctuation.
Here's the sad part: I actually own a copy of Hamlet and I was too lazy to look it up in the book. This is the punctuation they used in the book:
"To be, or not to be -- that is the question:"
No original sample of Shakespeare's own writing exists. The earliest texts we have, the first Folios and Quartos, had already passed through dozens of editors and copyists hands, each with their own ideas about proper grammar. Even editors today regularly "regularize" his spelling and punctutation. For my money, the one you just posted is probably closest to Shakespeare's original, except he would have spelled "question" "kwesttione" or something.
Oh, that's not true. We do have his actual signature.
On a simular note. Which guy do you think he was, The Earl of Oxford or the Stratford man?
The Stratford one. At some point, it's like arguing whether Jesus was really born in a manger or, you know, some kind of ancient wheelbarrow. The only benefit you get out of that kind of cynicism is that people don't try to talk to you so much anymore.
Yeah, It's like nobody wants to except anymore that he came from such a meager background.
dovina is a plagiarist.
Beautiful! I am a nature lover, and am almost always impressed with themes dealing with nature. I do not stress much on punctuation, but on the idea conveyed by the poet. Imagination is one of the most effective tools in poetry coupled with what you are within, and your expression in this poem is very impressive.
Full marks to you, and I'm still waiting for the Oh merry Fay - part II.
Thanks.
As of yet I have no idea what Oh Merry Fay - part II is going to be about. Maybe It'll be a prequel. The next one will likely be in a different style.(sans jibberish). The guy in the poem has a name now. It's Topper.
Oh... So finally he's christened! Topper Alchemy?
Cute - but no cigar. Where is the content and the grit to this. I think this is written in a lovely way with rich language and soft tones, but I canât find anything that gives me what I look for in a poem, it gives all the traditional things such as elegance and flow.... If I were I scholar in poetry then I would give this a 9 for being well-written, but as myself a 4 since it appears to be pointless (even as just an image there is nothing new, just nice well written poetry), I know Iâm outnumbered 7 to 1 in this opinion, and that Iâm going to embarrass myself somewhere with this comment later on when someone points out the not so hidden meaning, but I canât find the point to this poem. 4 may be harsh, but I consider your work to be in a better league to most on here, and so I'll rate you by the standards you have set with your previous work, rather than the average on this site.
That's OK cyan9. It's about the most important priority in life, children.
I thought, I might embarrass myself (It reads very nicely now)
On a more philosophical note, are you sure children should be the most important priority in life? Should it not be peoples happiness or perhaps something more spiritual, that may result in giving children a happy start to life being important, or am I just banging on about something I know nothing about, since I dont have children yet.
Me niether, I'm just an uncle with an adoring niece and nephew. It's pure opinion coming out of me so yes, truthfully in my life there is nothing more important. When you discover and I'm sure you soon will how amazingly an adoring child can change the worst day of your life to one of the best days it think you too will love the idea that there's an angel out there who calls you uncle or even some day dad. With that said, it's not the only meaning of life and if you're never an uncle or father or whatever that's OK too. There are plenty of other reasons to love life.
please take no offense here, cyan9, as i do not know you nor will i attempt to judge you. the feeling in this poem is something i have only really come to know after having become an uncle, and which has redoubled once becoming a father.
making time to spend with a child that wants to spend time with you is better than anything else you would ever put away for later. the reward is priceless and you receive it immediately. this poem completely, in my opinion, captures the essence of that wisdom.
It is something that now that it is pointed out becomes more apparent to me. Not being a Uncle for another 3 months though means that it is something that I have experienced from time to time, and dont connect with quickly.
Kindly refer to "slaves and serpents". That's why you don't connect quickly. How will you ever understand a child/ children. And what do you know about being spiritual and sensitive to people's happiness? That doesn't seem to be your priority from how I see it. Asking weird questions to sound philosophical makes you seem so shallow. Well, you said it, you are banging on
about something you know nothing about, whether you have children or not.
And is this all because I didnt like your poem?
Oh! You didn't like my poem? Which one?
Cut it out you two. I've had long discussions with both of you and I can say with a fair amount of certainty that both of you are good people who are plenty capable of caring for children and being open minded. Cyan9, I'm sure you're used to people misinterpreting your stuff as satanic or sadistic so just be patient. She's open minded enough to listen to your motive behind your poetry. Amanda, if I told you I listened to bands like "Tool" and read Clive Barker novels would you think anything less of me? I hope not. I know sometimes Cyan comes across a little harsh but he's a sensitive artist and sometimes his emotions get ahead of him. Give him a second chance to explain his motives behind his poetry.
OK I did what I could. If you two still want to fight go ahead.
You never played the peacemaker for zodiac and me. Is one of us not "good people"?
You two are just too damn entertaining when you argue.
Then tell him to argue, and to quit calling me a blathering moron and walking off. Do you think your entertainment should be free?
Are you bent up about the logic so-called debate ending? Christ, I thought we all were relieved when that abortion dropped off 20 Most Recent.
I call you a blathering moron when you blather. When you don't, I argue with you. Arguing with a blatherer only brings shame on the arguer. The blatherer thinks he's ace.
OK. Zodiac, quit calling her a blathering moron and walking off.
Is that better? Wanna lolipop? It's not free. I often put my two cents in.
See what I mean. He's not sorry.
OK, BOTH OF YOU, TO YOUR ROOMS... Go on. Any more sass and I take away the XBOX.
One of the biggest differences between us is when you say something smart, I like and respect you. Whatever I say on poemranker, you'll still think of me as the boy who pantsed you in third-grade gym. What incentive do I have to act pleasant with you, then? If you don't mind my saying so, I think you need to take a big Dovina step back from all that pent-up emotion. It doesn't seem healthy.
Al, thanks for the advice. hope something good comes out of this.
Why have I not read this one before? It's gorgeous. Killer final line.
i don't see my vote showing up on this one in my favorites anymore. did you edit? if so, i still love it!
342 view(s)
|
||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
I think l-3 could lose the (the) and be A-OK. fackit. 10
i think leaving it as "dawn" is a wonderfully subtle play on words; i didn't even catch it when i read it the first time. maybe because she was donning whilst it was dawning. in fact, when the poem is read aloud, noone would be the wiser.