Other № 95142
The Unknown Soldier
We just finished studying WWI in Modern World History, so I wrote this:
Upon the plains of sorrow, upon the worthless land,
I am the unknown soldier, and that is where I stand;
There's ceaseless noise around me, that carries with it death,
And all the more I think about it, fear disgruntles breath;
The iron hawks above me, will cry their deathly call,
'Till one will wound the other, and the wounded one will fall;
The leaded hornets pass me, whos sting is so severe
That if we had collided, I would not be leaving here;
Behind me, past the trenches, five miles from this hell,
Are fields full of crosses, where many men rest well;
But I will progress further: my life that cannot be,
For my generation's boat is still a ship thats lost at sea.
3 comments
Maybe you can do something with this line
"And all the more I think about it, fear disgruntles breath"
and the last couplet, too. What's there is an example of a mixed metaphor - you have all this infantry imagery, then in comes the navy. Know what I mean? Don't run out of steam at the end!!
lastly, I won't second guess all your semicolons, since I'm pretty lenient with them, but I raised an eyebrow at a few.
"And all the more I contemplate it, fear disgruntles death."
And possibly this to replace the "navy" like ending, which I understand could be awkward.
"For my generation's limb shall be the one torn off the tree."
And finally, yes, I have very little education as to where semicolons should be placed. So if you raise an eyebrow to any, it's got a high possibility of being misplaced.
There are some good lines and metaphors here - 'iron hawks', 'leaded hornets' (should probably be 'leaden hornets'), and the last line is pretty smart too.
There are a few too many commas and semicolons (as has been noted already), and a couple of grammatical crits, but on the whole it's a decent poem.
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