Shuushin26 Mar 2004

not bad, monkey. the longer lines help the AA BB rhymes which can easily be tiresome.

Maybe you can do something with this line
"And all the more I think about it, fear disgruntles breath"

and the last couplet, too. What's there is an example of a mixed metaphor - you have all this infantry imagery, then in comes the navy. Know what I mean? Don't run out of steam at the end!!

lastly, I won't second guess all your semicolons, since I'm pretty lenient with them, but I raised an eyebrow at a few.