Replying to a comment on:

The Unknown Soldier (Other) by abcmonkey78

We just finished studying WWI in Modern World History, so I wrote this: Upon the plains of sorrow, upon the worthless land, I am the unknown soldier, and that is where I stand; There's ceaseless noise around me, that carries with it death, And all the more I think about it, fear disgruntles breath; The iron hawks above me, will cry their deathly call, 'Till one will wound the other, and the wounded one will fall; The leaded hornets pass me, whos sting is so severe That if we had collided, I would not be leaving here; Behind me, past the trenches, five miles from this hell, Are fields full of crosses, where many men rest well; But I will progress further: my life that cannot be, For my generation's boat is still a ship thats lost at sea.

Shuushin 26-Mar-04/7:52 AM
not bad, monkey. the longer lines help the AA BB rhymes which can easily be tiresome.

Maybe you can do something with this line
"And all the more I think about it, fear disgruntles breath"

and the last couplet, too. What's there is an example of a mixed metaphor - you have all this infantry imagery, then in comes the navy. Know what I mean? Don't run out of steam at the end!!

lastly, I won't second guess all your semicolons, since I'm pretty lenient with them, but I raised an eyebrow at a few.




Track and Plan your submissions ; Read some Comics ; Get Paid for your Poetry
PoemRanker Copyright © 2001 - 2024 - kaolin fire - All Rights Reserved
All poems Copyright © their respective authors
An internet tradition since June 9, 2001