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A sponatious free write (Free verse) by thepinkbunnyofdoom I confess
These poisons I injest
Are merely a test
To prove
That I'm a cut better
Than the rest
Cheating death
Chasing every dangerous breath
All of life is a theft
The ultimate hiest
The perfect getaway
They won't find us
Until time runs out
Wake up,
Time is running out
I love this dream
Why does it have to end
It's time to step up
Bigger and better
Bad boy's don't live forever
They go down together
In a fury of flames
Left over from a gun fight
Gone quiet
For the want of better aim
Gasoline death circles
As both sides duke it out
In a valiant last display
In death he will say
I fought it out
All the fucking way
Now I'm dead
Sentence me
Up the ladder:
Tears.
Down the ladder:
It
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 6.0
Posted: April 18, 2006 5:11 PM PDT; Last modified: April 20, 2006 10:05 PM PDTWeighted score: 5.119203 Overall Rank: 5896 Comments:
[8]
*.*ReAdY To SnAp*.* @ 65.93.143.241
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18-Apr-06/7:32 PM
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Reply
Amen!!! I'm feeling this...Lindsey <8>
Great flow, energetic and fast. 3 typos: Spontaneous, ingest (although I like the idea of playing with ingest/in jest) and heist.
OK, I liked this one until the last couple of stanzas where somehow I was taken into your mind's eye of life's time-toll into one particular instance of death...you the original main character, became lost into a guy in a gun fight...& as far as the last stanza, I couldn't tell if you were still talking about the above stanzas gunned-down death or another fighting instance. I get what you are trying to emphasize here, but the theme is still broken & lost in my opinion. Other than this major unclarity, I really did like your overall style :) Good, clean line breaks with a lot of action going on, kudos to you on that.
~Sunny 309 view(s)
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