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slice of moonlight (Terza Rima) by lmp i see parts of me in you
when i look upon your sleeping face;
i see your mother in there, too.
i sometimes use my lips to trace
the gentle curve of cheek or brow,
and sweetness of your skin i taste.
your breath comes easy, so gentle now
as i rock you slowly in my arms;
what do you dream? do you know how?
you win my heart with simple charms
you do not know that you employ;
your virtue i pray is never harmed.
lie and sleep, my baby boy,
i watch you and i smile;
your sweet peace, my endless joy.
i will let you sleep this while
and weave your magic, your sleep within:
my heart is helpless against your wiles.
traced upon your lustrous skin
a silvery slice of moon-light
evokes the angel's glow within.
sleep my boy, my babe, goodnight.
Up the ladder:
Those British Boys
Down the ladder:
The Punk With The Stutter
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 7.3333335
Posted: April 17, 2006 2:29 PM PDT; Last modified: April 28, 2006 3:23 PM PDTWeighted score: 5.62753 Overall Rank: 2204 Comments:
[8]
Dovina @ 12.72.34.110
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17-Apr-06/4:55 PM
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Reply
Good use of the Terza Rima rhyme scheme, without seeming forced.
[n/a]
lmp @ 141.154.134.3
> Dovina
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18-Apr-06/6:17 AM
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Reply
thaks. it actually was tougher than i anticipated. it is tricky to make some of the rhymes not seem forced. as it is, i had to play with line structure a bit in that sixth verse, line two. other than the obscure word choice that Ranger indicated, i think it works fairly well.
'Stabile' jarred, the rest is wonderful.
yeah, that word i always pronounced "stay-beel", but "stay-bile" is also correct. i had a hard time finding a word rhyming with "while" that was not way out of contect with the rest of the verse.
when i began this form, i thought it would be easier than it is. i guess i am not overly familiar writing tercet verses. and the rhyme scheme actually makes it a bit tricky, but i like it. it really does link the verses nicely.
oh, thank you. your comment is appreciated.
Any time.
There are plenty of rhyming dictionaries online; some of them useful. I know you don't want direct suggestions, but I reckon there are a fair few alternative phrases which would fit nicely and be a little less tricky. If I'm honest, my main problem with 'stabile' is that it instantly made me think that you'd misspelled 'stable' - even though that obviously wasn't the case, it still forced me to reread that line, which in turn interrupted my reading of the poem in its entirety.
actually, i looked at some of those rhyming dictionaries. but what i got back were words that would be so far flung from the feeling that they would seem very forced. stabile was bad enough. i will keep looking as i would like to polish this a bit.
thanks.
Yes, I much prefer the ending to this edit. The last two lines are grand.
One slight grammatical point - line 15 ('your sweet peace my endless joy') needs either some punctuation or to be '...is my endless joy'. It probably holds up grammatically as it is, but it just feels wrong. Either way of remedying this would work without disrupting the rhythm, and would make me a happy reader ;-) No other crits that I can see right now; good stuff!
right. a single comma should do the trick, eh?
glad you liked the edit.
Complete now, to my eyes =D
I'm not familiar with this form, but I like rhyme scheme and I love the rhythm.
thanks. glad you enjoyed. now go write one! :)
I enjoyed this as it was a very pleasant, innocent, and naturally rhymed piece. I think your boy would love you reading this to him! I know I would.
Suggestions: 'your virtue i pray is never harmed.' - the meter is slightly off. Try something like 'I pray that you be never harmed', or another idea, 'Let silence softly wrap you warm'. it ain't perfect, but play with it :-)
Beautiful.... This got straight to my heart.
<smile> thanks, it was written straight from my own. nothing like parenthood...
You bet! From what I read, you have one. Any more kids?
if you read certain other works of mine, you will discern that there are more than he for which this was written.
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