Re: Heaven Help Me by cyan9	7-Apr-06/12:59 PM
Good descriptions, would personally get rid of the 'and' between anxiety and longing. Stanza 2 = superb. Will hopefully have more intelligent suggestions to make tomorrow. Till then, have an 8.
Re: Happy Birthday Satou by raven_the_poet	9-Apr-06/9:07 AM
Nice, I hope it was appreciated.
regarding some deleted poem...	9-Apr-06/9:13 AM
I was going to suggest putting a comma after 'we', but INTRANSIT got there first. This is astonishing! You have an unbelievable talent for entwining images while losing none of the vividness of either; it is a rare gift to be able turn images into more than the sum of their parts. I forget the last time I gave a ten...in actual fact it may have been on your 'Espana'. I have a great amount of admiration for your ability and the consistency you show in writing fantastic poetry.
Re: Or Outward by MacFrantic	9-Apr-06/9:20 AM
"furies'", is this "fury's" or are furies a type of creature? That's the only grammatical crit I have with this, it reads well and, yes, is vague but it really did leave me desperate to find a meaning to it. It feels as though there is a message, or something like that, hidden just beneath the words. In all honesty, the whole thing sounds like it's a code or a series of anagrams for something. I'll have to return to this if I'm going to find a meaning. My brain is fried right now.
Re: James The Dashing Pirate(Rewrite) by Luzr	9-Apr-06/9:26 AM
Great words, I felt as though the metaphor could be taken further; I don't see quite enough of the swashbuckling, buccaneering nature, hunting for treasure and adventure. And although the Casanova line is good, I didn't think it managed to fit well with the pirate theme. Aside from that, well written and enjoyable!
Re: Random Design by thepinkbunnyofdoom	9-Apr-06/9:33 AM
Aha, theeasterbunnyofdoom strikes again! There's some good stuff in here, although as Dovina said, it does lack cohesion. I wasn't sure if that was intentional though, given the title. If it is, all I can suggest is being a little more vivid with the imagery. If each stanza is more or less a standalone section, they need to have plenty of colour to give them some sort of individuality and character. The first line set the standard for that, but the rest mostly didn't live up to the imagery. I wasn't sure about stanza 3, it seems a little overused, although the 'journeying companions' could be used to save it. There are a few grammatical glitches, but I'm tired and will let someone else pick them. This comment probably sounds like I didn't enjoy the poem; I actually did, but I think that with an edit or two it will be far more striking.
Re: A Salute to Vile by MacFrantic	9-Apr-06/9:36 AM
Love the fragmentary form of this, as usual your imagery and description is bold and still demands a lot of work from the reader to interpret this. Dovina's guess sounds as good as anything I could muster up, but to be honest I actually enjoyed reading this without trying to find a meaning.
Re: In Ethel’s Honor by Dovina	17-Apr-06/1:21 AM
Good lines, it has villanelle potential in my opinion. Would've preferred 'winding rain' as it retains the stormy aspect and carries a little more imagery, but you may feel otherwise. Again, I'm not convinced that you need to be specific with 'sixty-one years', but that's just my preference. Well written
Re: Lovely Independence by Sunny	17-Apr-06/1:27 AM
Good first verse 'child eating cookies' would have sounded better in my opinion. I like the use of 'weary', to me it doubled as 'wary'. Stanzas two and three work well. Number four lost a little coherence in my reading - 'sleep insom(n)ia'? Also, I wouldn't have split the last line away - '...doesn't wear you out/my lovely independence' is preferable (for me, at least). Still, not bad.
Re: Skellington Bakery by -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I.	17-Apr-06/1:37 AM
Hmm, 'To spend perpetu'ty in "pain"' was funny. Liked the play of 'decedent'/'decadent'.
Re: Another quarter. by richa	17-Apr-06/1:41 AM
Good work, like MacFrantic I don't think that 'frozen pie' really works for this; for one thing, 'frozen' so soon after 'frost' makes it seem like you were struggling for variation (not something which can be said often about your poetry). The rest is beautiful.
Re: Cólera by MacFrantic	17-Apr-06/1:46 AM
Cool. You might think about changing 'blood lets...' to 'blood letting/Sheer volume deliver/Where failing interest...'. It would keep the original 'blood lets' meaning, while also adding a little more coherence to that passage. As it is, there are three decent yet mostly unconnected lines. Otherwise, good fun.
Re: take a jump with me by hendrimike	17-Apr-06/1:49 AM
It'd be nice to see a bit more originality in the rhymes, and less repetition of 'dark'. Be inventive. I actually quite liked the last line though.
Re: view from the top by pollywolly	17-Apr-06/1:52 AM
Interesting. Is her glorious view of the sky, with the mist obscuring the unnoticed land below, or is it covering the glorious land, which she's trying to see?
Re: greymo(u)rn by lmp	17-Apr-06/1:57 AM
Last two lines of stanza 1 are excellent. Was going to say that 'knarled' should be 'gnarled', but it actually works either way. Next time I'll try to be more awake before attempting a critique.
Re: Murder by Enkidu	17-Apr-06/2:02 AM
Was there a reason for capitalising 'Cries' and 'Demons'? It's not a criticism, just that neither are proper nouns, and so don't take capitalisation. Unless, of course, there's a purpose which I missed (entirely plausible). Great flow. The opening stanza is a gripper. I think you can get away with using the full 'escapes' (stanza 4, line 3).
Re: Strangers in a foreign land by luzrheroguy	17-Apr-06/2:04 AM
Last two stanzas are pretty powerful.
Re: Face of Iran by Caducus	17-Apr-06/2:07 AM
Smartly written, would have preferred lowercase 'electric', but that's the only suggestion.
Re: jay by ecargo	17-Apr-06/2:10 AM
Great fun to read, the final line is pretty cartoon-y. Plenty to see in only 5 lines; very well written.
Re: metadata by digipoet	17-Apr-06/2:14 AM
Entertaining, though brief.