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Skellington Bakery (Free verse) by -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I.
If, 'pon the strike of the witching hour You desire the sust'nance of yeast, wat'r'n' flour, I pray thee, vis't Skellington Bakery. I see that the name of the place makes you cower, But although 'tis within the skellingtons' power T'eat you, they much prefer cakery. O'er th'great 'nfernal ovens 'sides "Boney" McBones, His purg'torial task t'bake infinite scones In payment for th' Nicknaming 'fPriests. In perdition's patiss'rie f'r'his crimes he atones; From th'kitchens drift sounds of his 'pprentices' groans As they cater for th'underworld's feasts. Aye, the Dev'l's always searching f'r'a man of dire sin With man'gerial experience and a cursèd roll'ng pin T'augment Hades' culin'ry staff So beware y'may unwitt'ngly be'pplying t'get in Next time you c'mmit lewds in the pres'nce of your kin Or dur'ng sermon pass flat'lence and laugh. Grim loaves're prepared by the wraiths of Cathari, Baguettes by heathen negresses in saris; So mortal, s'lect y'deity with sense. If 'tis Allah you pray t'with y'last breath, you'll be sorry: 'Neath a wailing sky, e'er-boiling black and not starry You'll too pay the grave "panitence". Your fate'll be no gentler'f the Torah y'espouse, F'when the Jews betrayed Jesu they his wrath did arouse, And planning permission was sought F'r'a new 'xtension to th'Bak'ry, especially to house The pork sausage rolls f'hungry skell'ngtons to browse... And I'm 'fraid that it's here you'll be "Brot"! And e'en'f your spir't 'scapes y'r body unsoil'd, You've not yet the d'signs of the Bakery foil'd; In th'Lysian Fields they've a man Who's payed well to'nsure careless souls're encoiled, Form'd into an eidolic Bagel and boil'd, To spend perpetu'ty in "pain". Th'legions of e'er-toiling skellington bakers, Their furnaces fuell'd by the flesh of the dead, Etern'lly postpone their 'nc'nt'r w'th th'r Maker, And knead without rest t' bake chthonian bread; T'ensnare peccadillists with th' lure of their pastry, 'F which the first sample's free, at the "Skellington Tast'ry", Where many a soul's come t'gluttonous end, By 'ngulfing eclairs 'til th'r too dense t'ascend*. * To Heav'n. ... But there's one cake the wise decedent is advised To procure if he wish's t'exped'ntly rise* -- Just ask for the 'Cream-horne of Jesu' But t'quire it'll 'xtract fr'm y'a terrible price; Therefore pay heed, for I shan't tell you how'ts done twice. I'm not writing simply to please you! * By which is meant, rise to Heav'n. ... In order to 'ssemble the Horne for you, They require the bones of a hangèd Hindoo, And a cup of the rot from his liver; From his skin you must fashion a bloody canoe, Then charter his ghost as a skellington crew, And drift down the unhallow'd river. The Horne's pastry casing th'Bak'ry'll'pr'vide you, but nary Whipped cream by the quart and a solitary cherry: For these y'must find alt'nate supply. Downstream, by the shore of Persephone's prairie They'll have "howl" that you need at the Werewolf Dairy... From here I can guide you no furth'r, shade, be wary I must return to my ovens, Good bye!

Down the ladder: What You Give

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Arithmetic Mean: 7.1
Weighted score: 6.05
Overall Rank: 1209
Posted: April 16, 2006 10:17 AM PDT; Last modified: April 16, 2006 10:17 AM PDT
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Comments:
[10] MacFrantic @ 172.193.196.195 | 16-Apr-06/10:51 AM | Reply
Very original, very intriguing. I though this was a fantastic endeavor. *10*
[10] ALChemy @ 24.74.100.11 | 16-Apr-06/10:53 AM | Reply
Good poem. Bad attitude.
[8] Ranger @ 86.131.54.123 | 17-Apr-06/1:37 AM | Reply
Hmm, 'To spend perpetu'ty in "pain"' was funny. Liked the play of 'decedent'/'decadent'.
[10] ecargo @ 167.219.88.140 | 17-Apr-06/7:48 AM | Reply
A yummy cautionary poeme--most light and flaky (like the fabled Cream-horne of Jesu, I imagine). The footnotes were the cherry on the treat.
[2] Stephen Robins @ 213.146.148.199 | 18-Apr-06/9:08 AM | Reply
This is a woeful departure from the standard -=D_A=- pump. This, I suspect, is written by someone trying to ingratiate themselves into the Rutherford Club, only to be found wearing no spats.
[7] Lenore @ 64.252.110.247 | 8-Aug-06/7:55 PM | Reply
You DO Love me! You really DO Love me! *swoon*
[7] Edna Sweetlove @ 81.178.76.60 | 10-Aug-06/7:23 AM | Reply
Long-winded but learned.
[10] Sing4Jesus! @ 87.80.134.60 | 23-Aug-06/9:48 AM | Reply
Jesus farts for you!
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