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Lovely Independence (Free verse) by Sunny I am the mouse weary of the fat cat
and the child that eats cookies
in the closet. I tip-toe
on your word's current, and my mood
changes when the tone of your voice
hardens from sap to wood.
I agree and forgive-agree and forgive.
You love this pattern I
have taken on recently.
After we fight, you are the comforter
that has the power to nurture
my bleeding wrists, to untie the sailor's knot
driven deep into my intestines.
The confident one...the sleep insomia
and the fear of batching it-the shap
and sole stag-doesn't wear
you out, my lovely independence.
Up the ladder:
I love you
Down the ladder:
Open
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 5.75
Posted: April 16, 2006 2:39 PM PDT; Last modified: April 16, 2006 2:39 PM PDTWeighted score: 5.089402 Overall Rank: 6348 Comments:
The enjambed verses don't work for me. You can do that, but only if a new thought begins in the new verse.
I think you mean botching.
Revision of last vs. in Lovely Independence
I am the mouse weary of the fat cat and the child eating cookies in the closet. I tip-toe on your word's current, and my mood changes when the tone of your voice hardens from sap to wood. I agree and forgive-agree and forgive. You love this pattern I have taken on recently. After we fight, you are the comforter that has the power to nurture my bleeding wrists, to untie the sailor's knot driven deep into my insides. The confident one...you are not allayed of the insomnia and the fear of botching it: in purdah and solely stag- my lovely independence.
The last line is a bit tame. I like the enjambment in the main, my mood/changes especially.
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Still, not bad.