poemranker ::Lovely Independence by Sunny

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Free verse № 142353

Lovely Independence

by Sunny

Member since 2006 · Posted 16 Apr 2006 · 4 comments

I am the mouse weary of the fat cat and the child that eats cookies in the closet. I tip-toe on your word's current, and my mood changes when the tone of your voice hardens from sap to wood. I agree and forgive-agree and forgive. You love this pattern I have taken on recently. After we fight, you are the comforter that has the power to nurture my bleeding wrists, to untie the sailor's knot driven deep into my intestines. The confident one...the sleep insomia and the fear of batching it-the shap and sole stag-doesn't wear you out, my lovely independence.

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4 comments

[7] Ranger 17-Apr-06/1:27 AM Reply
Good first verse 'child eating cookies' would have sounded better in my opinion. I like the use of 'weary', to me it doubled as 'wary'. Stanzas two and three work well. Number four lost a little coherence in my reading - 'sleep insom(n)ia'? Also, I wouldn't have split the last line away - '...doesn't wear you out/my lovely independence' is preferable (for me, at least).
Still, not bad.
[7] Dovina 17-Apr-06/7:39 AM Reply
The enjambed verses don't work for me. You can do that, but only if a new thought begins in the new verse.

I think you mean botching.
[n/a] Sunny › Dovina 20-Apr-06/9:50 AM Reply
Revision of last vs. in Lovely Independence

I am the mouse weary of the fat cat
and the child eating cookies
in the closet. I tip-toe
on your word's current,

and my mood changes when the tone of your voice
hardens from sap to wood.
I agree and forgive-agree and forgive.
You love this pattern I

have taken on recently.
After we fight, you are the comforter
that has the power to nurture my bleeding wrists,
to untie the sailor's knot

driven deep into my insides.
The confident one...you are not allayed
of the insomnia and the fear of botching it:
in purdah and solely stag-

my lovely independence.
[9] richa 17-Apr-06/12:25 PM Reply
The last line is a bit tame. I like the enjambment in the main, my mood/changes especially.