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greymo(u)rn (Free verse) by lmp
pigeons fly across the brick paved plaza. the lampposts, some leaning, stand sentry, although their light has long since gone dormant. the dull grey scud across the sky lowers, ominously bearing down upon the squat dun-coloured buildings. awkward spaces are sparsely poulated with awkward people. it was better before the fog burned off; at least the mystery of what may be hidden within was appealing. earlier, the dog and i took our morning walk. opening the door to the side yard revealed a dimly lit space between the two houses. although the area is broad and deep, the density of the morning mist did not allow the sun to cast light; neither were there shadows. the late winter grass was further drabbed by the slight amount of frost upon its dry brown blades. the whole draining of colour allowed the grey trees, stretching their empty knarled fingers to the leaden sky, to meld into one whole, indistinguishable from the morning shroud. the longing for the sea and sand on mornings like this is strong indeed. to feel the wrappings of the fogbank, more dense and without objects disturbing its continuity, is to feel both safe and vulnerable: the fog can only obscure. the sense of enclosure within the nebulousness is akin to some minor deprivation of the senses, a greyness drawn over them, directing the focus inward...

Up the ladder: natural
Down the ladder: My Daffodil bulb

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Arithmetic Mean: 5.3333335
Weighted score: 5.0397344
Overall Rank: 7084
Posted: January 5, 2006 4:06 PM PST; Last modified: April 14, 2006 3:41 PM PDT
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Comments:
[7] Dovina @ 69.175.32.104 | 5-Jan-06/7:41 PM | Reply
Some nice thoughts here. It's a prose poem at best. Not free verse. As a short story it might be better.

I see no reason for not introducing a Short Story category, under 500 words.
[n/a] lmp @ 141.154.134.3 > Dovina | 6-Jan-06/10:42 AM | Reply
i wasn't sure it would fit in with prose because of the line breaks, unless a prose poem allows for that. short story might work, except there really is no story here, more like an illustration: no plot, no direction, just images and feelings.
[9] ALChemy @ 24.74.101.159 > lmp | 6-Jan-06/2:58 PM | Reply
Prose poetry is prose with enough poetic elements that it can't be accepted as just prose.
[8] zodiac @ 66.230.117.157 > ALChemy | 8-Jan-06/12:27 PM | Reply
Yes, but don't get tricked into thinking there's a really strong distinction between prose poetry and "regular" poetry, or between poetry and prose, for that matter. Nobody besides poemranker bean counters is ever, ever going to care about that. Write however you want and let posterity haggle out which form it was. When I suggested putting more prosy poetry in stanza form and more "poetic" experimental language in prose form, I was just talking about how to get popular, not what label to stick yourself under.
[9] ALChemy @ 24.74.101.159 > zodiac | 8-Jan-06/2:03 PM | Reply
Yeah, I was really just trying to put it in a way that he wouldn't be afraid to put poetic elements into his prose poems.
I thought it was a good idea you had to swap the text layout styles. It's also a good way to find qualities and flaws in your poem you may not have noticed before.

God, my vocabulary is weak today for some reason.
[9] ALChemy @ 24.74.101.159 | 6-Jan-06/2:49 PM | Reply
I like how you're diversifying yourself.
[8] INTRANSIT @ 205.188.116.139 | 8-Jan-06/12:39 PM | Reply
"the whole effect was a draining of color from the landscape" You've already shown us this, why tell?

And then "safe and vulnerable" is all you need there as well.
[8] zodiac @ 66.230.117.157 | 8-Jan-06/12:43 PM | Reply
Watch out for changing from past-tense to present without reason (ie, your first sentence is "flew", but in the next line the streetlamps "stand".)

On a similar note, I think you could improve this poem by giving it more, um, movement. More structure and progression. Your images are good, your ideas are good, the sense of place is good. We just want to see more how you move from one image to the next or one idea to the next. You can do this with a kinda progression of time (ie, you and the dog walk, the sun rises, the fog burns off, the pigeons come out, the pigeons fly away). Or by really thinking of yourself as a person there and looking (or moving) and thinking from one thing to the next in some order. Think like Hemmingway walking through Paris in The Sun Also Rises. Or think like you're turning your head or walking through a square; you see things a natural order, right? Things on your right, then things in the middle, then things on the left. I know that's a harder task than what you've been doing. But I know you don't want to sell yourself short when by just a little extra work you can make something really great.

Anyway, this poem is pretty good as it stands. You can try working on it more, but a better idea is just keep structure and order in mind when you're writing the next one, maybe. Good work. Bravo. Cheers. Etc.
[8] zodiac @ 66.230.117.157 > zodiac | 8-Jan-06/1:03 PM | Reply
PS-

re "like Hemmingway walking through Paris":

"I went out onto the sidewalk and walked down toward the Boulevard St. Michel, passed the tables of the Rotonde, still crowded, looked across the street at the Dome, its tables running out to the edge of the pavement. Some one waved at me from a table, I did not see who it was and went on. I wanted to get home. The Boulevard Montparnasse was deserted. Lavigne's was closed tight, and they were stacking the tables outside the Closerie des Lilas. I passed Ney's statue standing among the new-leaved chestnut-trees in the arc-light. There was a faded purple wreath leaning against the base. I stopped and read the inscription: from the Bonapartist Groups, some date; I forget. He looked very fine, Marshal Ney in his top-boots, gesturing with his sword among the green new horse-chestnut leaves. My flat was just across the street, a little way down Boulevard St. Michel."

PPS-Don't ever really read Hemmingway when you're trying to write. One way or another, it will make you write crap.
[n/a] lmp @ 141.154.134.3 > zodiac | 9-Jan-06/10:34 AM | Reply
i have read some Hemmingway. depressed chap but a good writer, no? perhaps this is why one writes crap after reading his work; it is strong stuff but has the tendency (at least with me) to leave me drained of any real focus.
[8] zodiac @ 209.193.14.113 > lmp | 9-Jan-06/10:56 AM | Reply
I don't know. It has the tendency to make me write exactly like him. Mostly short sentences. I'm drinking coffee. The coffee's good but not as good as that night in Escorial with the commandantes all smoking around the table and the bombs falling over the ridge with the pine woods and oh Maria was soft when she came to me and she put her hand on me and I said oh no don't put your hand there, not there. Then she left. Bitch.
[8] Ranger @ 86.131.54.123 | 17-Apr-06/1:57 AM | Reply
Last two lines of stanza 1 are excellent. Was going to say that 'knarled' should be 'gnarled', but it actually works either way. Next time I'll try to be more awake before attempting a critique.
[8] ecargo @ 167.219.88.140 | 17-Apr-06/11:37 AM | Reply
Nicely descriptive, and the lack of narrative (story, whatever) is fine, but while reading it I kept reaching for more of a--well, not a point, exactly, but some sort of earlier payoff. The point seems to be the longing, and I think the last stanza gets there (to that payoff point), but the lead-up is a little too scene-setty for me. I think less of a linear approach might work, e.g., starting off with "it was better before the fog burned off;
at least the mystery of what may be hidden
within was appealing."

The usual disclaimers here.
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