Replying to a comment on:

greymo(u)rn (Free verse) by lmp

pigeons fly across the brick paved plaza. the lampposts, some leaning, stand sentry, although their light has long since gone dormant. the dull grey scud across the sky lowers, ominously bearing down upon the squat dun-coloured buildings. awkward spaces are sparsely poulated with awkward people. it was better before the fog burned off; at least the mystery of what may be hidden within was appealing. earlier, the dog and i took our morning walk. opening the door to the side yard revealed a dimly lit space between the two houses. although the area is broad and deep, the density of the morning mist did not allow the sun to cast light; neither were there shadows. the late winter grass was further drabbed by the slight amount of frost upon its dry brown blades. the whole draining of colour allowed the grey trees, stretching their empty knarled fingers to the leaden sky, to meld into one whole, indistinguishable from the morning shroud. the longing for the sea and sand on mornings like this is strong indeed. to feel the wrappings of the fogbank, more dense and without objects disturbing its continuity, is to feel both safe and vulnerable: the fog can only obscure. the sense of enclosure within the nebulousness is akin to some minor deprivation of the senses, a greyness drawn over them, directing the focus inward...

zodiac 8-Jan-06/12:43 PM
Watch out for changing from past-tense to present without reason (ie, your first sentence is "flew", but in the next line the streetlamps "stand".)

On a similar note, I think you could improve this poem by giving it more, um, movement. More structure and progression. Your images are good, your ideas are good, the sense of place is good. We just want to see more how you move from one image to the next or one idea to the next. You can do this with a kinda progression of time (ie, you and the dog walk, the sun rises, the fog burns off, the pigeons come out, the pigeons fly away). Or by really thinking of yourself as a person there and looking (or moving) and thinking from one thing to the next in some order. Think like Hemmingway walking through Paris in The Sun Also Rises. Or think like you're turning your head or walking through a square; you see things a natural order, right? Things on your right, then things in the middle, then things on the left. I know that's a harder task than what you've been doing. But I know you don't want to sell yourself short when by just a little extra work you can make something really great.

Anyway, this poem is pretty good as it stands. You can try working on it more, but a better idea is just keep structure and order in mind when you're writing the next one, maybe. Good work. Bravo. Cheers. Etc.




Track and Plan your submissions ; Read some Comics ; Get Paid for your Poetry
PoemRanker Copyright © 2001 - 2024 - kaolin fire - All Rights Reserved
All poems Copyright © their respective authors
An internet tradition since June 9, 2001