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Random Design (Free verse) by thepinkbunnyofdoom
Life is a turbulent sea of flux, with waves carrying me in different directions. I am beginning to see layers and connections between details on parchment and new frames for design. It's time to pull the curtain from my eyes and decide on a direction. Fear and hope equally shine bright across my face as the season of renewal returns. Friend's have sides that we can not see. Love applies to more than merely lovers, sweet blinding poison. Flaws are ignored for the trade of fellowship between traveling companions. Numbers build strength, and strength builds courage. Courage keeps us going through the dark, and gives us faith that we're on the right road. The wind cannot be predicted, and the open sea is known for storms. As the rain beats heavy and the mind divides the options into, either sink or swim, know that knowledge can be a limitation. As we reassure ourselves and put things into frame, we tend to call wild things tame. Dogs and Wolves will walk with man, but one keeps his distance while the other will eat from your hand. Trusted ropes snap, without care of where you have been, all that matters is here and now. Falling from the dizzying heights memories being the only sights as I slip closer to my coffin. It's come down to fly or die something about this feels like a dream. Only it's not. The pain comes rushing in legs turning up bound and broken beneath the sirens glare. Tremors grab my hands as I brushed blood stain laying in the middle of my face. The meter was running fuel pouring from a broken valve as everything became renamed. Numbers took on new meaning. The odds began to overwhelm Life is an unlikely chance

Down the ladder: Devictus

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Arithmetic Mean: 5.6
Weighted score: 5.0715218
Overall Rank: 6569
Posted: April 7, 2006 1:15 PM PDT; Last modified: April 7, 2006 1:15 PM PDT
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Comments:
[7] Dovina @ 17.255.240.6 | 8-Apr-06/12:03 PM | Reply
Some good lines and some good images. But it lacks the cohesiveness that a compelling poem needs. Specifics are mostly lacking, which makes it sound second-hand.
[n/a] cyan9 @ 213.208.113.137 > Dovina | 9-Apr-06/2:03 PM | Reply
I would second this. Your lyrics 'Guilt Trip' are one of the two poems that are on my favourites list, what it has that this piece doesn't is that each verse stems straight from the same emotion and states consecutive parts from the same story. It comes across as though you learn a few different lessons here from different events, and there are really a few shorter poems sandwiched together that could be focused upon.
[7] Ranger @ 86.131.55.210 | 9-Apr-06/9:33 AM | Reply
Aha, theeasterbunnyofdoom strikes again! There's some good stuff in here, although as Dovina said, it does lack cohesion. I wasn't sure if that was intentional though, given the title. If it is, all I can suggest is being a little more vivid with the imagery. If each stanza is more or less a standalone section, they need to have plenty of colour to give them some sort of individuality and character. The first line set the standard for that, but the rest mostly didn't live up to the imagery.
I wasn't sure about stanza 3, it seems a little overused, although the 'journeying companions' could be used to save it.
There are a few grammatical glitches, but I'm tired and will let someone else pick them.

This comment probably sounds like I didn't enjoy the poem; I actually did, but I think that with an edit or two it will be far more striking.
[7] ecargo @ 167.219.88.140 | 10-Apr-06/7:47 AM | Reply
Curtains and seas and wolves, oh my! Ambitious, but comes across a bit pedantic and pseudo-profound (that sounds meaner than I mean it--sorry bunny). I think that with more cohesive imagery and a clearer, more defined focus, this would improve. Still, kudos for takin on the big stuff. You come closest, I think, in the last three stanzas--much to grab onto and identify with.
[7] drnick @ 141.218.35.109 | 12-Apr-06/10:56 AM | Reply
I agree with what has already been said, and I'd like to add that at the end of the 7th stanza, you should cut the last line: "Only it's not" as that is implied when you say "like a dream." I like the last stanza the most, very nice.
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