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Or Outward (Triolet) by MacFrantic Vagaries in dispassionate red
Or outward sounds the bell
A monument to furies' spell
Vagaries in dispassionate red
Fragile storms eclipse your head
Speak your name and know it well
Vagaries in dispassionate red
Or outward sounds the bell
Up the ladder:
Maiden of Blue Shadow
Down the ladder:
Reflection
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 5.5
Posted: September 15, 2005 8:12 PM PDT; Last modified: April 7, 2006 11:17 PM PDTWeighted score: 5.0596013 Overall Rank: 6771 Comments:
"furies'", is this "fury's" or are furies a type of creature? That's the only grammatical crit I have with this, it reads well and, yes, is vague but it really did leave me desperate to find a meaning to it. It feels as though there is a message, or something like that, hidden just beneath the words. In all honesty, the whole thing sounds like it's a code or a series of anagrams for something.
I'll have to return to this if I'm going to find a meaning. My brain is fried right now.
The Furies were mythical Greek goddesses who were basically the original "Avengers." I thought capitalization would throw off the rhythm a bit. I hope this unfries your brain a bit. I think knowing this helps interpretation of the poem a lot.
I don't know what's worse, you explaining The Furies, or the fact that nobody knew about them.
Oh, get off your high horse, you're losing oxygen to the head.
For what it's worth, you need to capitalize Furies'.
Maybe you should have read my previous comment when I explained why I didn't.
I did. I don't see how capitalizing a word throws off the rhythm. A reader who reads a capitalized word differently is ignorant and unworthy of your poem.
Visual rhythm. I didn't want the aesthetics of the poem to be thrown off even a little bit. I had to sacrifice a bit of grammar to do so. Last I checked, intentional grammar flaws aren't frowned upon.
By whom?
Yes, they are. I frown on "intentional grammar flaws" even more than the other kind. ;)
If you capped Furies, I'd've known what you meant without the explanation. Capping them wouldn't have thrown anything off, really. I thought you meant "fury's spell," which would have worked, by the way. Maybe even better. That aside, I don't get much sense from this. Now, if something is interesting enough, I don't always care if I get it (I like Dental Panic's stuff a great deal, for example, and half the time I'm damned if I know what he or she is talking about), but I don't think you quite hit the mark here. 261 view(s)
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This falls flat for me. Too vague.
This is not a bad poem. It shows that you thought about something and put effort into the presentation. I said it was vague, not because you use that word in the poem, but because I really cannot figure out what you are saying. What is dispationate red, for example? How does a bell sound outward? Does not the sound of all bells move outward? How is this bell different? What do the fragile storms represent, and how do they eclipse someone's head? Do the storms speak his/her name?