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To Brittany (Free verse) by amanda_dcosta I donât know why life's so tough on you,
Little angel, precious child.
Why dark clouds want to take away that sunshine smile
That so befits your cherub face.
Why thunderstorms want to chase you
To the forests dark and deep
Or why the night comes quickly by to
Scare you till you scream.
Yet through it all Iâm sure there is
A gap, a vent, a tiny holeâ¦
That makes your innocent rays of gold
Touch a patch of land that needs you most
Perhaps a wink, a smile, a wordâ¦
Who knows.
You might perhaps touch my soul.
Up the ladder:
f*ckyouoldmenandyourrules
Down the ladder:
#14
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 6.181818
Posted: April 26, 2006 12:06 PM PDT; Last modified: April 26, 2006 12:06 PM PDTWeighted score: 5.590909 Overall Rank: 2330 Comments:
[n/a]
amanda_dcosta @ 203.145.159.44
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26-Apr-06/12:13 PM
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Reply
Ref to Brittany... http://www.poemranker.com/poem-details.j
This is really nice. The rhymes kept it moving fluidly and the imagery is direct and vivid. I think in your last poem I commented about your writing being like a sketch; well this is a pastel landscape.
I would change two aspects of it - firstly the repetition (the first 'perhaps' - change to 'maybe', and the second 'smile') and 'gap' didn't quite seem right for clouds. No, I can't explain why I said that, it just seemed slightly off centre. The rest is magnificent.
Ah, and it did put me in mind of ALChemy's poem (that and 'Sunlighting' too). But it did so gently, without being too blatent.
Ranger, thanks a ton. I like reading your reviews.
When I was writing this, I kept racking my brain for a word instead of 'gap' and couldn't come up with an appropriate alternative. If you have any suggestion for it be free to share. I wd be interested.
Any time, your poems are usually a joy to read!
How about 'break' or 'breach'?
Hmmmm.......... Naaaa. It doesn't appeal to me.
I like the sentiment of this. The idea is right on. "till" should be "til" or "'til". "Touch a patch of land that needs you most" could lose the "most". The last line is unneeded, I think, or change "my" to "a."
Dovina, hi! and thanks for your vote and critique. why "til"? I don't get that part of your sugggestion.
And for the rest of the stuff,"Touch a patch of land that needs you most" , well, as far as sun's rays are needed, all things do, land does and so on. But maybe there's some place that needs to be warmed up urgently, like a cold lonely heart wanting to be warmed up by friendship, perhaps. So there's an essence of wanting a beam of light to filter through the clouds and landing right on target. Bingo, bulls eye! That's the idea behind it. And as for the last line, it's 'my' on purpose. If nothing else , she might just touch my heart, as she's already begun to.
Actually, 'Till' precedes 'Until' historically and so is grammatically correct. You can use 'Til', but I personally wouldn't bother changing it.
You are right about the correctness of "till." I hate it because it's also digging in the dirt or a cash till. "Until" is best.
Fair play.
I think then it should be like - 'til -.
Well, I'm surprised! I thought surely this would have brought our gold-making friend out from the lab just to say "Hey, nice try." or something. He's probably on the verge of a tungston light bulb.
Ha ha ha... Is the bait good enough for him,D?
I think "cherub" is a bit out of place, nonetheless, this is pretty good. I especially liked the second stanza. *8*
Enkidu, thank you. It's nice to see you around my pages. Thanks.
'Cherub' - the idea behind it is to describe the child as having an angelic, innocent, heavenly spirit. Hence the usage.
Sweet and good natured but no means your best.
Ps the remark from gods wife has been made on almost a dozen poems so take no notice.
Nice Amanda, it's always a pleasure to read your poems.
Thank you Paul. I really appreciate the time you take to read my poems.
Very beautiful. Better than mine, me thinks.
Good news: Her parents seem to have patched things up, at least for the time being. I keep my fingers crossed for her. I surely must post something soon in the hopes of winning the much coveted plaque of disgust from our ever insistent Mrs. Jehovah.
Hi Al. It's good to see you back. We missed you on PR. And thanks for the applause and the ten. Am glad to see it makes a difference atleast to one soul.
Am now praying for some inspiration on what to write for a little girl who's suffering from Down's syndrome, but was also affected by partial paralysis since the age of three months. She can neither sit nor stand, and has to be attended upon for everything. I believe she lives in the U.S. and will turn five yrs this 26th (May).
Hi Amanda.
Tell us a story about this little girl with Down's Syndrome making a difference. Show us what the weakest of the weak can do.
What I really appreciate about your poetry, Amanda - and I think it's especially clear in this one - is the feeling of innocence and joy that radiates through. Great job, and a pleasure to read.
Thank you.
What has this got to do with Brittany - or indeed any other region of France?
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