Free verse № 142666
To Brittany
I donât know why life's so tough on you,
Little angel, precious child.
Why dark clouds want to take away that sunshine smile
That so befits your cherub face.
Why thunderstorms want to chase you
To the forests dark and deep
Or why the night comes quickly by to
Scare you till you scream.
Yet through it all Iâm sure there is
A gap, a vent, a tiny holeâ¦
That makes your innocent rays of gold
Touch a patch of land that needs you most
Perhaps a wink, a smile, a wordâ¦
Who knows.
You might perhaps touch my soul.
25 comments
I would change two aspects of it - firstly the repetition (the first 'perhaps' - change to 'maybe', and the second 'smile') and 'gap' didn't quite seem right for clouds. No, I can't explain why I said that, it just seemed slightly off centre. The rest is magnificent.
When I was writing this, I kept racking my brain for a word instead of 'gap' and couldn't come up with an appropriate alternative. If you have any suggestion for it be free to share. I wd be interested.
How about 'break' or 'breach'?
And for the rest of the stuff,"Touch a patch of land that needs you most" , well, as far as sun's rays are needed, all things do, land does and so on. But maybe there's some place that needs to be warmed up urgently, like a cold lonely heart wanting to be warmed up by friendship, perhaps. So there's an essence of wanting a beam of light to filter through the clouds and landing right on target. Bingo, bulls eye! That's the idea behind it.
And as for the last line, it's 'my' on purpose. If nothing else , she might just touch my heart, as she's already begun to.
'Cherub' - the idea behind it is to describe the child as having an angelic, innocent, heavenly spirit. Hence the usage.
Ps the remark from gods wife has been made on almost a dozen poems so take no notice.
Good news: Her parents seem to have patched things up, at least for the time being. I keep my fingers crossed for her.
I surely must post something soon in the hopes of winning the much coveted plaque of disgust from our ever insistent Mrs. Jehovah.
Am now praying for some inspiration on what to write for a little girl who's suffering from Down's syndrome, but was also affected by partial paralysis since the age of three months. She can neither sit nor stand, and has to be attended upon for everything. I believe she lives in the U.S. and will turn five yrs this 26th (May).
Tell us a story about this little girl with Down's Syndrome making a difference. Show us what the weakest of the weak can do.
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