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Cry (Free verse) by Sunny
I do it for a happy–cry, I do it when I have to: when the knot under my chest bone feels like it will spew up my throat and dollop – splat – onto the floor, my mouth still open from the appearance of this mysterious belly-knot that’s been rooted behind my breasts. I cry when no conclusions are made - boney shuttering shoulders and lonely back porch to spill onto. My hands are over my eyes, holding them in, face in sin…red blotches and runny eyeliner. The mourning that bellows from my lips, rises uncontrolled in upward sifts, as God culls my rueful song waves upward with weary sailor arms.


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Arithmetic Mean: 5.142857
Weighted score: 5.03842
Overall Rank: 7203
Posted: April 27, 2006 3:12 PM PDT; Last modified: April 27, 2006 3:12 PM PDT
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Comments:
[7] Dovina @ 70.38.78.229 | 27-Apr-06/6:41 PM | Reply
Not a perfect edit. Use what you can:

I do it
when the knot
under my chest bone
swells

when it spews up my throat
dollop – splat
onto the floor,
mouth still open
from a belly-knot

I cry when
no conclusions
are made -
boney shuttering shoulders

and lonely back porch
to spill onto, hands
over my eyes,
face in sin, red blotches
and runny eyeliner.

The mourning that bellows
from my lips,
rises uncontrolled,
as God
culls my rueful song
[8] Enkidu @ 172.190.177.237 | 27-Apr-06/8:35 PM | Reply
Not bad, I loved the line breaks. *8*
[0] god'swife @ 71.103.98.44 | 28-Apr-06/12:49 AM | Reply
You have no grasp on human existence. I cannot even venture to guess what childhood atrocities must have been inflicited on you to make you want to write such an empty and uninspired piece of shit as this. You're just one more sorry ass strutting around in this pitiful sanctuary for self-important asses. This drivel lacks all relevancy. Is this what you sit around pondering about? Is this the most intriguing most profound most soulful experience you can write about? What the fuck, are you some kind of horrible mutant? Try 'writing' something pertinent, germane, material, apropos to the soul and its struggle. It's tragic that such a bunch of heartless pukes have turned a once stimulating arena of thought into a incestuious hotbed of superfluous and inferior banter. The fact that some idiots feel it neccessary, let alone plausible, to leave comments on such atrocities is only more proof that you've all completely lost connection with the drama of human existence. You should all be ashamed of yourselves. Get a life. A real one consisting of love and loss, pain and exrutiating ecxtasy, the awareness of our absurd and fleeting existence. You're all stuck in a boring putrid land of make believe. Fucking losers.
[n/a] Sunny @ 66.69.36.222 > god'swife | 28-Apr-06/1:10 AM | Reply
Wow...umm...anger management perhaps. I am not really going to reflect on your comments, I don't have enough care to; you have no clue about my past, neither do I to you...

I never imagined "God's wife (note on the capitilization) would be such an unhappy person - dissappointing. Hmmm. I will make sure to check out your poetry, that is what I will learn what "real talent" consists of...right?

Good luck to you.
[8] Ranger @ 62.252.32.15 | 28-Apr-06/12:17 PM | Reply
Not bad at all, although there are a few things I would change. I dislike 'dollop' and 'splat' at the best of times; more so in poetry - I find them a little, well, unpoetic. They don't seem at all emotive to me, and there are more effective words for onomatopoeic purposes. The other criticism I have with this is the repetition of 'knot' and semi-repetition of 'bone/boney'. Again this is personal preference; I write with as few repetitions as possible because Ifind it more of a challenge that way, both to write and read.
I also have a question (instead of diving straight in with criticism) about the penultimate line. 'Song waves' is confusing. It could be song waves (as in sound waves, in which case I'd hyphenate it to show it's a compound noun). Alternatively you're talking about the mourning waving upwards ('The mourning that bellows from my lips...waves upward'). If so, it needs some punctuation after 'song'.
That's it for crits, now for what I liked. 'Knot under my chest bone...' and then 'mouth still open from the appearance' work well, as does 'shuttering shoulders' (and the rest of that passage).
Overall, enjoyable.
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