Poemranker [Replying] Tue May 07 19:13:12 PDT 2024

Replying to a comment on:

I do it for a happyâcry, I do it when I have to: when the knot under my chest bone feels like it will spew up my throat and dollop â splat â onto the floor, my mouth still open from the appearance of this mysterious belly-knot thatâs been rooted behind my breasts. I cry when no conclusions are made - boney shuttering shoulders and lonely back porch to spill onto. My hands are over my eyes, holding them in, face in sinâ¦red blotches and runny eyeliner. The mourning that bellows from my lips, rises uncontrolled in upward sifts, as God culls my rueful song waves upward with weary sailor arms.

Ranger

28-Apr-06/12:17 PM

Not bad at all, although there are a few things I would change. I dislike 'dollop' and 'splat' at the best of times; more so in poetry - I find them a little, well, unpoetic. They don't seem at all emotive to me, and there are more effective words for onomatopoeic purposes. The other criticism I have with this is the repetition of 'knot' and semi-repetition of 'bone/boney'. Again this is personal preference; I write with as few repetitions as possible because Ifind it more of a challenge that way, both to write and read.
I also have a question (instead of diving straight in with criticism) about the penultimate line. 'Song waves' is confusing. It could be song waves (as in sound waves, in which case I'd hyphenate it to show it's a compound noun). Alternatively you're talking about the mourning waving upwards ('The mourning that bellows from my lips...waves upward'). If so, it needs some punctuation after 'song'.
That's it for crits, now for what I liked. 'Knot under my chest bone...' and then 'mouth still open from the appearance' work well, as does 'shuttering shoulders' (and the rest of that passage).
Overall, enjoyable.

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