| Poem: Submit | Random | Best | Worst | Recent | Comments |
|
colourful cavalcade (Free verse) by pollywolly a crimson
cascade
capers to the ground
from the
creaking branches above
cavorting
to create
a crimson carpet
on a
crisp
autumn morn
Up the ladder:
Moon and History
Down the ladder:
goddess of the harvest
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 5.75
Posted: May 1, 2006 2:07 PM PDT; Last modified: May 1, 2006 2:07 PM PDTWeighted score: 5.089402 Overall Rank: 6298 Comments:
[7]
Ranger @ 62.252.32.15
|
1-May-06/3:08 PM
|
Reply
Beautiful picture, the rhythm of this could do with a little work. I'd try to replace the non-alliterated passages with ones which continue the alliteration. The reason being that the breaks disrupt the flow and slow it down whereas when it goes quickly I found it reminiscent of the leaves falling. Maybe 'canvas' instead of 'branches'? I'll leave the rest for others to suggest on if people agree with me.
Nice description, except for the twice used "crimson."
I agree with Ranger. This is good, but continuing the alliteration would make it bewtter.
137 view(s)
|
||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
