poemranker ::Dying Rooms by longships

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Free verse № 142851

Dying Rooms

by longships

Member since 2002 · Posted 1 May 2006 · 2 comments

Awaken to the smell of soiled sheets And unwashed bodies Bedsores and infection are rife Sanitation inadequate Filthy clothes remain unchanged Each day tied to a chair At the ankles and waist Supervision minimal Hidden from outside view Given little companionship And no compassion Barely enough food to survive Tears form in eyes so young An abandoned girl Not long from the womb Awaiting adoption that will never come Orphaned Love known only as discomfort Love felt from the pain of abuse Cries constantly ignored Left to fend alone Allowed to die in a filthy cot In a squalid room By a society That calls itself civilised

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2 comments

[9] Dovina 1-May-06/11:51 AM Reply
I know this happens. We seldom hear about it. I know a woman from Taiwan who escaped from such torture and is now in the US. She is the exception. I don't how you can improve this poem. When a situation is this bad, all you can do is tell it like it is. The word "love" is jarring, because it is not really love; I would use another word.
[7] Ranger 1-May-06/3:29 PM Reply
Okay, this isn't bad but I feel it's one of those poems which needs to be done in a 'show, don't tell' kind of way. As it is you're telling, not showing for the most part. A greater effect on the reader would be achieved, I think, by instead describing what's there rather than explaining what it is (Yoda speech taking over there, sorry...)