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Dying Rooms (Free verse) by longships

Awaken to the smell of soiled sheets And unwashed bodies Bedsores and infection are rife Sanitation inadequate Filthy clothes remain unchanged Each day tied to a chair At the ankles and waist Supervision minimal Hidden from outside view Given little companionship And no compassion Barely enough food to survive Tears form in eyes so young An abandoned girl Not long from the womb Awaiting adoption that will never come Orphaned Love known only as discomfort Love felt from the pain of abuse Cries constantly ignored Left to fend alone Allowed to die in a filthy cot In a squalid room By a society That calls itself civilised

Ranger 1-May-06/3:29 PM
Okay, this isn't bad but I feel it's one of those poems which needs to be done in a 'show, don't tell' kind of way. As it is you're telling, not showing for the most part. A greater effect on the reader would be achieved, I think, by instead describing what's there rather than explaining what it is (Yoda speech taking over there, sorry...)




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