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Jesus Around Your Neck (Final Version) (Free verse) by Wakeboarder20
Lie, cheat, and steal but spout proverbs with every step. Cover your hands with blood as you climb up that ladder. Just make sure you pray it all away. Condemn, judge, and manipulate. Make sure they all know your act; a successful man of the world all with Jesus hanging around your neck.

Up the ladder: Andrew
Down the ladder: Apocalypse has come to end

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Arithmetic Mean: 4.0
Weighted score: 4.880797
Overall Rank: 10026
Posted: April 30, 2006 12:27 AM PDT; Last modified: October 30, 2006 2:32 PM PST
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Comments:
[9] Ranger @ 62.252.32.15 | 30-Apr-06/3:05 AM | Reply
This seems to be a tirade against someone with a very holier-than-thou attitude - in which case the only line I have yet to place firmly is 'An angel with a life full of sin', whether it's a different person to the one mentioned in the line above or, if as I suspect, it's about someone who doesn't practise what they preach. Someone who indulges rather than abstains.
Good lines! I like the word choice in here, sufficiently nasty and vicious without being overtly violent. Also, the use of 'spit' and 'spite' so close together works well to invoke 'spirit' (ordinarily I'd be unimpressed by such repetition in poetry; here however it has good effects). So really, no crits that I can see straight away. Maybe I'll find something later but I don't feel very nitpicky today.
'Jesus hanging round your neck' is a superb line - such a contrast in the double meanings give it a wonderful ambiguity which I really like.
[n/a] Wakeboarder20 @ 71.227.248.140 > Ranger | 30-Apr-06/11:39 PM | Reply
Well thank you very much.
[7] Dovina @ 12.72.37.18 | 30-Apr-06/11:36 AM | Reply
A good title - gets us right intoi it. I don't like "misplaced" - too didactic. "A judge with a saint’s reputation" seems to conflict with "An angel with a life full of sin." A good rant.

[n/a] Wakeboarder20 @ 71.227.248.140 > Dovina | 30-Apr-06/11:42 PM | Reply
Thank you for the compliments.

I too don't like "misplaced" and am trying to think of a good word to replace it. I will very soon.

I wanted to try to switch the places of the negative and the positive in lines 6 and 7. No real poetic reasoning. Just for the sake of doing something different to keep the poem interesting.
[n/a] Wakeboarder20 @ 71.227.248.140 > Wakeboarder20 | 1-May-06/12:39 AM | Reply
Ok, change made. Any comment on the new word would be great. I think using 'holy' really fits in with the theme I'm using.
[7] Dovina @ 17.255.240.138 > Wakeboarder20 | 1-May-06/12:12 PM | Reply
Good edit. "Spit upon the life of all" seems too strong. "All" is too all-inclusive.
[10] deleted user @ 64.140.228.130 | 30-Apr-06/6:51 PM | Reply
This is an excellent poem. tight, and to the point. I also like the juxtaposition of lines 6 and 7. good work.
[n/a] Wakeboarder20 @ 71.227.248.140 > deleted user | 30-Apr-06/11:43 PM | Reply
Well thank you Paul, I appreciate that.
[9] Ranger @ 62.252.32.15 | 11-Oct-06/12:58 PM | Reply
Neat, concise edit.
[5] half.italian @ 70.36.242.152 | 31-Oct-06/3:35 AM | Reply
Try leading your audience instead of telling them what to think. I hate whining.
[7] Dovina @ 70.38.78.229 | 31-Oct-06/10:57 AM | Reply
Another criticism of Christian hypocricy, and fairly well stated. Ironically, one of Jesus' major complaints with the "church" of his day was hypocricy.
[n/a] Dental Panic @ 84.85.206.227 | 2-Nov-06/3:04 PM | Reply
Final Version - that made me laugh. But then again, it's not a poem. It's a sermon. Put on a purple robe and tell them hypocrites!
[6] wilco @ 24.92.74.122 | 2-Nov-06/6:31 PM | Reply
You know what the bad thing about something like this is that you're condemning the condemners ;)

I agree with your thought here but when you're lambasting someone like this, you're really just mirroring the way they are.
[2] Engelbert Humpalot @ 85.210.249.88 | 3-Nov-06/5:14 AM | Reply
I am pleased I missed the previous version(s) - they must have sucked bigtime!
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