| Poem: Submit | Random | Best | Worst | Recent | Comments |
|
Jesus Around Your Neck (Final Version) (Free verse) by Wakeboarder20 Lie, cheat, and steal
but spout proverbs with every step.
Cover your hands with blood
as you climb up that ladder.
Just make sure you pray it all away.
Condemn, judge, and manipulate.
Make sure they all know your act;
a successful man of the world
all with Jesus hanging around your neck.
Up the ladder:
Fire, Water, and Blood
Down the ladder:
My Dumb Choice...YOU
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 4.0
Posted: April 30, 2006 12:27 AM PDT; Last modified: October 30, 2006 2:32 PM PSTWeighted score: 4.880797 Overall Rank: 10079 Comments:
A good title - gets us right intoi it. I don't like "misplaced" - too didactic. "A judge with a saintâs reputation" seems to conflict with "An angel with a life full of sin." A good rant.
Thank you for the compliments.
I too don't like "misplaced" and am trying to think of a good word to replace it. I will very soon. I wanted to try to switch the places of the negative and the positive in lines 6 and 7. No real poetic reasoning. Just for the sake of doing something different to keep the poem interesting.
Ok, change made. Any comment on the new word would be great. I think using 'holy' really fits in with the theme I'm using.
Good edit. "Spit upon the life of all" seems too strong. "All" is too all-inclusive.
This is an excellent poem. tight, and to the point. I also like the juxtaposition of lines 6 and 7. good work.
Well thank you Paul, I appreciate that.
Neat, concise edit.
Try leading your audience instead of telling them what to think. I hate whining.
Another criticism of Christian hypocricy, and fairly well stated. Ironically, one of Jesus' major complaints with the "church" of his day was hypocricy.
Final Version - that made me laugh. But then again, it's not a poem. It's a sermon. Put on a purple robe and tell them hypocrites!
You know what the bad thing about something like this is that you're condemning the condemners ;)
I agree with your thought here but when you're lambasting someone like this, you're really just mirroring the way they are.
I am pleased I missed the previous version(s) - they must have sucked bigtime!
198 view(s)
|
||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
Good lines! I like the word choice in here, sufficiently nasty and vicious without being overtly violent. Also, the use of 'spit' and 'spite' so close together works well to invoke 'spirit' (ordinarily I'd be unimpressed by such repetition in poetry; here however it has good effects). So really, no crits that I can see straight away. Maybe I'll find something later but I don't feel very nitpicky today.
'Jesus hanging round your neck' is a superb line - such a contrast in the double meanings give it a wonderful ambiguity which I really like.