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Wombs and wounds (Free verse) by Caducus
Love is a pall bearer Carrying the dead to graves Mine are beneath trees By soil, merlot and half smoked Marlboro’s. Love is a promise Woven from scarlet. Mine was pure Worshipped by a Goddess Who healed my heart To destroy it. Love is a word Its only definition is Who it takes Who it leaves Who it breaks and Who grieves. I am a griever The once believer the broken, the unspoken. But most of all I am unlovable, Complex. Dark. Lonesome. Sad. Angry, And left to think of four children Who will not be calling me Dad, Bastards make the best Fathers And I am love's bastard, Wanting a womb to sleep in to feel warmth again from a woman.

Up the ladder: First Confirmation
Down the ladder: Return to Marrakech

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Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
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Arithmetic Mean: 4.5
Weighted score: 4.976287
Overall Rank: 8207
Posted: February 5, 2003 8:55 AM PST; Last modified: May 5, 2006 1:37 AM PDT
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Comments:
[8] Ranger @ 62.252.32.15 | 5-May-06/10:55 AM | Reply
Hmm, not sure yet whether I like this or not. The setup is fairly simple but I guess it fitting for the mood of the piece. I'll have to reread it later before I vote.
[8] Ranger @ 62.252.32.15 > Ranger | 5-May-06/11:00 AM | Reply
What the hell, why am I marked as having voted?

Oh wait, this must have been an edit of something else. Fair enough.
[9] Dovina @ 17.255.240.138 > Ranger | 5-May-06/7:36 PM | Reply
You are the survivor where the others died in disbelief. You are the one who pererveres where the others turned tail. Carry on Ranger, the forest reamins and will survive.
[9] Dovina @ 17.255.240.138 | 5-May-06/7:33 PM | Reply
Love is the epitome of unexpected.
Carry the living from fantasy
to fraternity.
Mine are beneath trees too,
by merlot and a farm in the hills.

Love is a new pair of shoes
he bought me
because "You are worth it."
worshipped by a stallion man
who healed my heart
fron a dagger's blow.

Love is a word
it's definition is
who gives it
who leaves it
who breaks it
who grieves.

I am a griever
an unbeliever
snatched to belief
broken, but spoken clean

unlovable
become loved
dark, lonesome, angry, sad

taken, given mouth-to-mouth
revived,
a womb to sleep in
to feel warmth again.
[8] Ranger @ 62.252.32.15 | 6-May-06/2:37 AM | Reply
I'm not sure that you'd find Merlot beneath trees that often. Cigarettes, possibly and certainly soil, but Merlot? Unless you mean for it to represent blood...but it's quite unclear there.
Stanza two - 'worshipped by a goddess' bit makes it sound like you worshipped her too; at least, that's how I read it.
Stanzas 3 and 4 - no problems.
Final stanza...I'm not convinced by the list of adjectives, particularly as you describe yourself as complex but then list some fairly simple emotions (very compatible ones at that, for a complex character I'd have expected some contradictions there).
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