| Poem: Submit | Random | Best | Worst | Recent | Comments |
|
When God is Needed No More (Other) by ALChemy Good children gather round the hearth
for it is time for you to know
that like the grass you sprout from earth
and are destined there to go
But worry not about the matter
It will only spoil your joy
Nor dream truth of any hereafter
Such promises are coy
Do not think this blasphemous
I will not deny Godâs power
to lead us through disastrous
days into our finest hour
What if we stretched that hour, long
as our life and remained modest
and did all we could to not do wrong?
Could we not then go on godless?
Could we not carry on his word
and let our father rest?
Surely such rewardâs deserved
for he did his very best.
Now children you are grown
and are off to inherit the earth
while helpless and alone
waits the one you owe your birth
God watches like any other
proud and caring parent
that sees in you, sister and brother
the goodness that is inherent
For it is in Godâs plan
to instill in us his love and wisdom,
and to send forth his good children
and only in silence miss them
Up the ladder:
Seven Sins for Seven Men (Part 1)
Down the ladder:
Dry Beast Night
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 7.888889
Posted: January 23, 2006 10:40 AM PST; Last modified: January 23, 2006 10:40 AM PSTWeighted score: 6.4444447 Overall Rank: 748 The following users have marked this poem on their favorites list:
Comments:
Pretty good...I agree with the not needing god part, mostly because "he" does absolutely nothing. It would be better if you didn't believe, and made this something about how we wont need religion when we can all live peacefully without it. Perhaps I will do something like that. Anywho, not bad...
Please don't say god does nothing unless you believe in god and if you believe in god's existence than obviously he does something. With that said, it would be silly for me to talk of God earnestly if I didn't at some level believe. Aside from saying something like "that guy over there believes in god" or "There is no god", which is not what I'm trying to say.
It's more about the dichotomy of what the childish believe and what the mature realize and about leaving the nest of religion as we do at home once we've learned all we need to know.
Yep, you've been reading Blake. ;-) You lose your meter here and there, and since you mostly stick to it, it's jarring when you go astray.
Put a comma after your invocation (good children)--makes it immediately clear that you're speaking to them (it threw me off the first time). A nit. "Inherit the earth" IS a great biblical line, which is why it's so overused. As Dovina notes, it's deliberate preaching, which doesn't bother me, but I do wish the language was a little more fresh and compelling. Or that he ate the children in the end (sorry, it got me thinking of The Walrus and the Carpenter): "O Oysters," said the Carpenter, "You've had a pleasant run! Shall we be trotting home again?' But answer came there none-- And this was scarcely odd, because They'd eaten every one.
Some good comments on the meter and commas. Thanks, I'll work on it.
I considered changing "inherit the earth" but I couldn't resist leaving it in because it implies the death or retirement of a parent or of God. It also reinforces that the grown children are taking God's knowledge with them. Had I used a more obscure biblical reference the effect would have been lost. It's quite hard to say something either pro or anti-god and not come out sounding a little preachy which is why I'm glad it doesn't bother you. The teller of the poem is percieved an older wise person simply by the way the listeners are addressed in the poem. So fresh language would come across as some young buck trying to tell you how it is.(Word up, yo) "Compelling" would really come across as preachy.("The power of Christ compells you") For my take on Lewis Carroll see: http://poemranker.com/poem-details.jsp?i
Bonus points for the Exorcist reference. ;) I liked your Jabberwockyish poem. Cool.
Alchemy,something quite different but good. I've been reading the comments and must agree that its a bit preachy. But thats how it goes on and off....so no second thoughts to that. I did get the last four lines and thats what gave the punch to the poem when I first read it. I reread the last half to my husband- the part from 'Now children you have grown.....' as that's what gave me the comparisons. I might as well give you a ten... you've given me something to think about.
And to you drnick, I'm tempted to say that there's no such thing as live peacefully without religion. These days, man does not rely on God but on his (man's)own capabilities and "brains", all in the name of religion. Put God into the scene and give Him total control and then we'll know the difference.
"Take your breath, you return to clay And your plans today come to nothing." Think about this.
maybe someday I'll get to a poem first and actully have something to say.
I have faith in you. You'll come up with one of those unique enigmatic phrases you're so famous for. My next one's a haiku. I'll probably post it early tomorrow. I expect nothing short of genius from you:)
Thanks man.
This is fantastic; a great way of bringing a message across, and the message itself is well thought-out. The only problem I found is the rhyme of 'hearth' and 'earth' - I don't know how you pronounce it, but for me 'hearth' sounds like 'harth'. Not enough to diminish my enthusiasm for the poem though.
296 view(s)
|
||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
I understand "Surely such rewardâs deserved" to mean "reward is" but "surely He deserves reward" sounds better to me.
"For it is in Godâs plan" seems like it needs "good" or something before "plan" for rhythm's sake.
"and to send forth his good children" seems bland, I dunno.
Try "some" in "Nor dream truth of any hereafter" instead of "any."
The lone period after "best" seems awkward, it's the only one; likewise the comma after "wisdom."
"that sees"? - try "who sees".
Yeah, I missed that damn "," when I put the "and" in. Good eye.
The last 4 lines were the heart of the poem so I'm a little disappointed the you didn't care fore them. Still, thanks for the input D.
You seem a little on the inactive side lately.
Alaska's fucking with your sleep pattern ain't it.
Tonight it's only -2 centigrade. We're not in Fairbanks or the North Slope, where it's been -42C (-44F) all day.
I think I mentioned this, but in grad school I took a really cool class on Indian Lit - Rushdie, Rohinton Mistry, Arundhati Roy, Amitov Ghosh, Bapsi Sidhwa, Anita Desai, and my personal favorite, R.K. Narayan. Most of what I know about India comes from them, one way or another.