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When God is Needed No More (Other) by ALChemy

Good children gather round the hearth for it is time for you to know that like the grass you sprout from earth and are destined there to go But worry not about the matter It will only spoil your joy Nor dream truth of any hereafter Such promises are coy Do not think this blasphemous I will not deny God’s power to lead us through disastrous days into our finest hour What if we stretched that hour, long as our life and remained modest and did all we could to not do wrong? Could we not then go on godless? Could we not carry on his word and let our father rest? Surely such reward’s deserved for he did his very best. Now children you are grown and are off to inherit the earth while helpless and alone waits the one you owe your birth God watches like any other proud and caring parent that sees in you, sister and brother the goodness that is inherent For it is in God’s plan to instill in us his love and wisdom, and to send forth his good children and only in silence miss them

Dovina 23-Jan-06/2:15 PM
Recently, you told me you were happy that a new poem I had posted was not about God. Had to chuckle. This has a nice rhythm at the start, which seems to crumble a bit toward the end. A climax comes at, "Could we not then go on godless?" Of course I could say you are preaching, not showing, but I like preaching sometimes, and this is not too preachy.

I understand "Surely such reward’s deserved" to mean "reward is" but "surely He deserves reward" sounds better to me.

"For it is in God’s plan" seems like it needs "good" or something before "plan" for rhythm's sake.

"and to send forth his good children" seems bland, I dunno.

Try "some" in "Nor dream truth of any hereafter" instead of "any."

The lone period after "best" seems awkward, it's the only one; likewise the comma after "wisdom."

"that sees"? - try "who sees".




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