poemranker ::A Snap Shot by amanda_dcosta

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Free verse № 143081

A Snap Shot

by amanda_dcosta

Member since 2005 · Posted 12 May 2006 · 13 comments

The boat, brightly coloured, Fishing, Lay anchored and still. The distant horizon, A curtain of blue, No distinction between sea and sky. The white flaky clouds Radiated summer’s smile. The porpoises jumped gracefully, A song in their eyes and heart. The sun dived in For deeper blues and greens. The tide rose, and so did my heart. Picturesque, Captivating, Wonderstruck! I wanted time to stand still. And at that time I believe it did.

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mean 6.20 weighted 5.14 rank 5403 views 250 View voting details →

5 votes so far. Yours would make 6.5 votes so far

13 comments

[8] Ranger 12-May-06/11:59 AM Reply
Nice - fewer uses of 'the' would have been nice, it makes it seem a little disjointed at the moment. Also...I'd love a bit more in the way of description of the porpoises; I'm on the verge of actually seeing this snapshot, but it's just agonisingly out of my grasp...
Easily 8, probably 9 with an edit.
[n/a] amanda_dcosta › Ranger 12-May-06/12:10 PM Reply
Thanks Ranger. This is faster than I expected.

And the porpoises, well, it was their mood that I took note of. Maybe I should have given more thought to what they looked like. Thanks for the suggestion.

As for the use of 'the', I was merely being specific of what I took into account. Not just writing on anything at all. Well, this is just my opinion. Shall try to see how 'the' can be deleted, and where. Thanks Ranger.
[8] Ranger › amanda_dcosta 12-May-06/12:15 PM Reply
If you're conveying mood in this, do it with solid images - maybe the curve of the porpoises being like a smile, or something similar. The beauty of this piece is that it's one of those 'show' poems, rather than a 'tell' poem, and that always earns bonus points.
R.E. using 'the' - specificity works well here, it's just when reading aloud the repetition is very noticeable and so draws attention away from the rest of the piece. You can replace 'the' with, maybe, and adjective and still retain the directness in my view. However, it'd be worth seeing how other people read this; they might say the complete opposite to me.
[8] ALChemy 13-May-06/6:30 AM Reply
Not your best. It's like a post card for the blind, like beauty that's just skin deep. It seems to give me nothing more than a pretty picture which I guess based on your title is what you were intending. I just know you are usually much deeper than that and those are the ones I prefer. But that's really just a matter of my own taste in poetry so take it with a grain of salt.
[n/a] amanda_dcosta › ALChemy 15-May-06/9:57 PM Reply
I know what you are trying to say Al. And I know it isn't my best. But when words flow like this one, I believe that it doesn't necessarily have to be my best, and hence I post it. Like everybody else, I too face what is 'writer's block' and am so distracted at the moment as I'm going through my next phase of life.... have to shift from here,where I really love being. Packing up is hard. Maybe I should write some thing about it. May be.
[8] ALChemy › amanda_dcosta 16-May-06/6:07 AM Reply
You write beautifully, which is why I push you so much.
[n/a] amanda_dcosta › ALChemy 16-May-06/9:46 AM Reply
Thankyou. It's nice to know my work is appreciated.
[8] Niphredil 16-May-06/5:27 AM Reply
Don't I wish I was there ;-)

My favorite stanzas are the first, for clarity and scene-setting, and "the sun dived in"... terrific.
[n/a] amanda_dcosta › Niphredil 16-May-06/9:53 AM Reply
Niphredil, thankyou. The setting is actually from my painting. The boat was either way stationary (as in the picture), and time stood still is to indicate that I could view the picture for all the time in the world without expecting it to change. Thought I'd give you an insight ino what started it all. Altogether, my poem's better than my painting. More like expressing it in words, what I couldn't achieve through paint.
[8] Niphredil › amanda_dcosta 16-May-06/11:24 AM Reply
Do you have an online gallery, I wonder? I'd be interested in seeing your work :-) and how it works with the poetry you write.
[n/a] amanda_dcosta › Niphredil 16-May-06/12:16 PM Reply
I'll send a couple of them to your e.mail add.
[8] ALChemy › amanda_dcosta 17-May-06/7:18 AM Reply
If you have a good sense of color theory and layout you can get away with alot of other weaknesses. Just say it's abstract or expressionistic. What's your difficulty? Maybe I can help.
[n/a] amanda_dcosta › ALChemy 17-May-06/12:45 PM Reply
Ha ha ha.... thanks Alchemy. That would be nice. If only somebody could help me! It's a wonder they tolerate my stuff here.
Ha ha ha... I've made huge posters and stuck it on the walls, and they are forced to look at it. Bet they wd be happy to get rid of me for this reason if nothing else.