| Poem: Submit | Random | Best | Worst | Recent | Comments |
|
Farm animals (Ghazal) by INTRANSIT Pending publication
Up the ladder:
Tale of a lonely heart
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: N/A
Posted: October 18, 2005 3:38 PM PDT; Last modified: June 1, 2006 1:15 PM PDTWeighted score: 4.762871 Overall Rank: 11429 The following users have marked this poem on their favorites list:
Comments:
[6]
Dovina @ 209.247.222.86
|
18-Oct-05/3:49 PM
|
Reply
Your premise: "We only awaken once" It took awhile to see the sun as one awakened thing, the rooster as another. But then you say "then," well, seems it should be "or" or something not implying two awakenings of the same thing. And the butcher block - chips? Oh, somebody must be constructing it, because they don't give off chips in normal use. Then I lose you when chips awaken as farmer and farm.
[n/a]
INTRANSIT @ 12.111.125.130
> Dovina
|
18-Oct-05/3:56 PM
|
Reply
Ghazals look so easy but they're not. How does a butcher block wear then? They do wear. I'll work on the rest. Now? i need some. bleh.
[10]
zodiac @ 217.144.7.195
> INTRANSIT
|
19-Oct-05/3:17 AM
|
Reply
Here and in a lot of places cheap, softwood butcher blocks chip. I think higher quality ones get thousands of extremely shallow cuts across the top and need to be sanded or planed to a new smooth surface.
I don't totally get this yet, but the language and images are amazing. Happy loving.
the language here is quite intriguing, rich, and i agree with dovina that it took a while to work out that the sun was a different entity than the rooster, although that should be obvious.
my question to you here is, do we only awaken once, or do we only awaken once as one of these things you mention?
And if the butcher block is an awakened thing, how can its chips awaken as if something twice awakened?
the chips, when split off from the whole, become new entites, as i read it. they're holographic; each piece contains the whole, a new whole, when separated from the mass consciousness.
I hardly think INTRANSIT is that much into wholistic philosophy here, but let's see how he answers.
we shall see.
he's been known to wax philosophical on occasion.
My cents: I think there are three characters here, (1) INTRANSIT, (2) his love, and (3) children or other products of love, such as puppies or a fixer-upper bungalow.
Both are incorrect. I was thinking that the things we say -tongue in groove- have no meaning. We are word butchers. Not in the poetic sense, of course. More like, the thing itself and not about the thing. I don't know. How do you pronounce your moniker anyway? Is it <~>? or do you pronounce it <~>? I just wanna know.
you pronounce it ~
the brackets are silent.
Meaning or not, it's a sexy as hell thing to say. I've found myself repeating tongue-in-groove all week to random Arabs. Proof that submitting to the will of micromanaging Allah didn't get them all brains.
There's something about 'the sun the other as/rooster crowing' that doesn't quite work. I couldn't pinpoint the proble, but it's there. A comma after 'sun' would simplify it, but perhaps too much.
This is a beautiful poem; I love it more each subsequent read.
However, I don't really think this is a 'ghazal' by definition, at least by the links on this site. The opening couplet doesn't rhyme (or does it?), and the last lines of each couplet definitely don't rhyme.
And it is enjambed, as well. The poetry of Rumi i have has been translated by Coleman Barks. Is there another translation that is better? Or am I just missing the lyricism as well as my butcher block is missing a leg?
Check you out with your gift of ghazal sheesh this i sgood - love the image on the butcher.
A great poem with some excellent metaphors. However, I hope you wouldn't mind me calling this a loose adaptation of the traditional ghazal. Ghazals are a passion with me and the traditional form comes along various rules and restrictions including rhymes and refrains.
This might help you a bit: http://allpoetry.com/Column/784848
I liked the butcher block better, and thought it was sensible enough. This is okay, though, if it satisfies everyone else.
killer cool and the last line is top banana
Just a hint of pride there?
Good work, my friend - best of luck as well.
Huh?
364 view(s)
|
||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
