| Poem: Submit | Random | Best | Worst | Recent | Comments |
|
Painkillers for Fun (Free verse) by Sunny On the balcony with a bitter tongue
and remaining sun, I am rationalizing
before my buzz sets in. I
stare at the poppies for awhile.
* * * * * * * *
My thoughts
blinked like the yellow lights
at six; there were the heavy bills
blazing white on a desk, and painful drums
mauled my temples.
Now, with a white capsule influence,
those underfed insecurities suppress,
those dogs that once harassed
the alleys. Lethargic eyes roll
next to loitering clouds.
The opulence of these disengaged thoughts;
I love everything and marvel
at the trees. The clouds
seem sick, horizontal, skinny.
They do their nightly weakening.
The suns light slowly smothers at around eight.
And day's white light spills
down; my white pupils want
their dark veils. White high tapers
slowly from the white sheets that silence me.
Up the ladder:
He Is
Down the ladder:
my truth
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 4.5
Posted: May 30, 2006 1:20 PM PDT; Last modified: May 30, 2006 1:20 PM PDTWeighted score: 4.976287 Overall Rank: 8303 Comments:
Ranger,
Honored at the score...once again, despite all the sloppy imperfections of original versions. Thanks for choosing to comment on a few of my poems out of the many out there that are actually good, some of the time-I never said that :0 In reference back to your persistantly knowledgable comments: -I'll move blinked (which is definitely a verb in this line's context), to the line above, for a 'smoother ride'-you're right Ranger -The whole dog usage...honestly...what? Please explain what you are referring to; I'm totally lost on that one -I did get carried away like a mad woman on my white kick, thanks for pointing that out...I mean, I would hope people would tell me if I my bikini top slid off in the water & I had no clue...ya know?? Thanks for everything :) ~Sunny
No worries, I love your poetry and it makes me think which gains it bonus points. And to be honest, if this is a sloppy first draft, well it puts my drafts to shame.
As for the 'dog' bit, well I'm about to be in out of my depth, but I'll try to make some sense with my limited knowledge. My lit. theory lecturer is pretty much a disciple of William Empson, so the influence has filtered down, and now I have some free time I can actually give his works a proper read. He pretty much revolutionised the way in which Paradise Lost is interpreted, and did the same for quite a lot of other poems. As for 'dog', that is down to words being 'pregnant' with meanings. So in this instance, 'dog' would have been a term of abuse in Shakespearean times, but recently the attitudes towards it have shifted, and it's even become a term of endearment ('you sly dog' etc.). The same goes for our attitudes towards the actual creatures - they range from being the gutter strays to being man's best friend. I just found it interesting how in this you say that the dogs 'once harassed', but give the impression that it's not so bad any more...and then you say that you 'love everything' not long afterwards. In similar fashion, you seem to hate life in general at the start, but then the dislike fades as you love everything and marvel at the trees, not to mention the opulence. When I've actually properly read some of Empson's work I might be able to give a better account. As for using 'white' the way you do, I've been thinking about it and although I'd still like to see it edited, I wonder if it might lose its force a little. I don't know, we'll have to find out that one. And I'm sure people would tell you if you lost your bikini top, although I suppose it depends how you look without it, really :-p I'll return to this one to see what else I can find in it; I always enjoy the challenges your writing sets! 161 view(s)
|
||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
Small nitpicks: line 20 - sun's
'blinked' is awkward where it is. I had to pause to work out if you meant it as a verb, or if it was an adjective (as in 'blinkered'). I assume it's as a verb, in which case I'd put it at the end of the previous line for clarity.
'these disengaged thoughts' - personally I'd leave either 'these' or 'disengaged', it's a bit cumbersome at the moment.
'White pupils'...?
Next: I really enjoyed the scene this painted - you bring in a lot of hospital imagery (clouds = sheets/curtains, sun's light = spotlight above bed etc. etc. etc.) and convey the helplessness well.
Opening stanza = fantastic, use of the poppies tells us everything we need to know without being anywhere near too direct.
If I may borrow from Empson, the way in which you use 'dogs' in interesting from an etymological perspective - the word has changed from being very derisive to becoming a term of affection, and in the poem, the protagonist seems to view the dogs with the same shifting perception. Was that intentional?
Final point for now - I like the repeated use of 'white', but think it's too much in the final stanza (plus 'white pupils' didn't work for me). I'd have preferred it if you'd used 'white' once in each stanza after the first; it would have carried the same impact, I think, without getting too repetitive.
Top poem though.