Ranger1 Jun 2006

Having missed a few weeks' worth of posts, I'll have to take some time out to work through your recent ones.

Small nitpicks: line 20 - sun's
'blinked' is awkward where it is. I had to pause to work out if you meant it as a verb, or if it was an adjective (as in 'blinkered'). I assume it's as a verb, in which case I'd put it at the end of the previous line for clarity.
'these disengaged thoughts' - personally I'd leave either 'these' or 'disengaged', it's a bit cumbersome at the moment.
'White pupils'...?

Next: I really enjoyed the scene this painted - you bring in a lot of hospital imagery (clouds = sheets/curtains, sun's light = spotlight above bed etc. etc. etc.) and convey the helplessness well.
Opening stanza = fantastic, use of the poppies tells us everything we need to know without being anywhere near too direct.
If I may borrow from Empson, the way in which you use 'dogs' in interesting from an etymological perspective - the word has changed from being very derisive to becoming a term of affection, and in the poem, the protagonist seems to view the dogs with the same shifting perception. Was that intentional?

Final point for now - I like the repeated use of 'white', but think it's too much in the final stanza (plus 'white pupils' didn't work for me). I'd have preferred it if you'd used 'white' once in each stanza after the first; it would have carried the same impact, I think, without getting too repetitive.

Top poem though.