replying on Weather poem part 5: the cold dusk by nypoet22
30 Sep 2006, 4:57 PM
not haiku, senryu. there are numerous different forms that use 5-7-5 syllabic meter. weather poem 3 is a renga, which is another 5-7-5 form.
replying on A Perfectly Normal Man by Dovina
30 Sep 2006, 7:28 AM
i wasn't quite so enamored of this poem, mainly because i think it tells a little more than it shows. there's no picture in my mind of the people or personalities involved, just amorphous blobs with the feelings described. just my own preference, but i'd like to feel the shape of the hips, the tension of the conversation, the lust when eye meets eye.
on Going to Michigan for the weekend by <~>
30 Sep 2006, 7:17 AM
how should this be read? it's really not clear until the last stanza that there are two voices at play. a little prosy in parts, but it tugs gently at a real and present conflict.
on Untitled by PunkyPanda
30 Sep 2006, 7:09 AM
this seems more like outright prose than a prose poem. it's gentle and meaningful, but i'm just not sure that it carries its weight without an essay or story attached. it's a good read.
on The Mikado's Poetic List by Engelbert Humpalot
30 Sep 2006, 6:46 AM
very clever and almost complete. you've left out someone very important. this poem could use a self-aware addendum, an acknowledgement that the speaker himself would also probably not be missed.
replying on Solving Freud's Conflict (not a weather poem) by nypoet22
27 Sep 2006, 5:29 PM
thanks. it's a cute little pun but i tried to get all the mileage i could out of it. auden was a genius. freud was no slouch either, come to think, though most of the time he was coked off his hiney.
replying on Hailing Miriam by Ranger
24 Sep 2006, 8:10 PM
yup.
on You by amanda_dcosta
24 Sep 2006, 7:32 PM
very "hallmark card"
"And Iâve lost another shoelace in this giant vat of beer."
just when i was ready to write it off as a futile exercise, that line saves the poem.
Normality is not grammatically incorrect, but it's generally referred to as normalcy. not that that's a good thing.
just when i was ready to write it off as a futile exercise, that line saves the poem.
Normality is not grammatically incorrect, but it's generally referred to as normalcy. not that that's a good thing.
on Farmhouse, Southern France (storm on arrival) by Ranger
24 Sep 2006, 7:23 PM
pleasant blankverse. the first two stanzas paint a moving, deliberate picture, and i'm waiting for the payoff, but the final strophe doesn't quite deliver. after "earthen pitch," it reads like you're trying to jam too much information into a space that won't hold it. i'm all for clever metaphors, but in this case i think you need to leave the leaping lizards and passing insects. readdress the ending more literally and bring your main idea into focus.
jumping off buildings
Just to part the crowd
i like this. because of the cliche first and third lines i think some people may give up on this poem prematurely, but i like the feeling in the last few. as a poem on the subject of suicide, i guess it can't help being a bit over the top, so to speak. consider a different beginning, but keep the end.
Just to part the crowd
i like this. because of the cliche first and third lines i think some people may give up on this poem prematurely, but i like the feeling in the last few. as a poem on the subject of suicide, i guess it can't help being a bit over the top, so to speak. consider a different beginning, but keep the end.
love, from above? i know you're constrained by the sonnet form, but if i were you i'd scrap the last two lines and write something completely different. it almost sounds as if you just ran out of things to say and regressed to the least common denominator. push yourself!
on Attention, This Just In by thepinkbunnyofdoom
24 Sep 2006, 6:33 PM
funny that someone mentioned rap. i'd really like to hear how this fits a beat and groove. and if it doesn't, change it so it does. for example, "you can go ahead and sound the alarm" could be shortened to "go n' sound the alarm." just an example.
on Pain by PoeticJustice
24 Sep 2006, 6:29 PM
a homocidal arsonist poem? maybe you're just too far ahead of me, but i'm having trouble taking something meaningful from it. i know you have an endrhyme scheme that you feel you need to follow, but before it rhymes this has to bring something more evocative. don't tell about the anger. show it.
replying on The Dovina Memorial Bike Lane by Dovina
24 Sep 2006, 6:23 PM
and maybe more present tense instead of past tense. try it.
on The Dovina Memorial Bike Lane by Dovina
24 Sep 2006, 6:21 PM
damn right! if i were you i'd rework the line breaks to emphasize more verbs. "abused" is buried in the middle of a line when it needed to be front and center. i think you captured here something we all sometimes wish we could do: pull all the politicians out of their chairs, shake them violently and talk some sense, dammit!
replying on Jose Streets by SupremeDreamer
24 Sep 2006, 8:31 AM
no need to clarify. as i said, i assumed the name was true to your experience (i.e. the actual name of a real club). but as picasso said, art is a lie that shows us the truth. In my opinion it'd be better for the purposes of your poem to pretend it was a club with a different name.
replying on Weather poem part 6: idols by nypoet22
24 Sep 2006, 1:20 AM
funny but i had the exact same thought, that this segment was probably a little over the top. but it's also the type of thing that's very hard to edit without disturbing the flow of it.