Re: a comment on Weather poem part 5: the cold dusk by nypoet22	30-Sep-06/4:57 PM
not haiku, senryu. there are numerous different forms that use 5-7-5 syllabic meter. weather poem 3 is a renga, which is another 5-7-5 form.
Re: a comment on A Perfectly Normal Man by Dovina	30-Sep-06/7:28 AM
i wasn't quite so enamored of this poem, mainly because i think it tells a little more than it shows. there's no picture in my mind of the people or personalities involved, just amorphous blobs with the feelings described. just my own preference, but i'd like to feel the shape of the hips, the tension of the conversation, the lust when eye meets eye.
Re: Going to Michigan for the weekend by <~>	30-Sep-06/7:17 AM
how should this be read? it's really not clear until the last stanza that there are two voices at play. a little prosy in parts, but it tugs gently at a real and present conflict.
Re: Untitled by PunkyPanda	30-Sep-06/7:09 AM
this seems more like outright prose than a prose poem. it's gentle and meaningful, but i'm just not sure that it carries its weight without an essay or story attached. it's a good read.
Re: "Twee" by Ranger	30-Sep-06/6:52 AM
*chuckles*
Re: The Mikado's Poetic List by Engelbert Humpalot	30-Sep-06/6:46 AM
very clever and almost complete. you've left out someone very important. this poem could use a self-aware addendum, an acknowledgement that the speaker himself would also probably not be missed.
Re: a comment on Solving Freud's Conflict (not a weather poem) by nypoet22	27-Sep-06/5:29 PM
thanks. it's a cute little pun but i tried to get all the mileage i could out of it. auden was a genius. freud was no slouch either, come to think, though most of the time he was coked off his hiney.
Re: a comment on Hailing Miriam by Ranger	24-Sep-06/8:10 PM
yup.
Re: SLIM JIM by PodPoet	24-Sep-06/8:06 PM
wait, i get it now. it's a 9/11 poem! jeez. still a little inane to conceptualize it this way... but i have to admit it's substantially more clever than i initially thought.
Re: You by amanda_dcosta	24-Sep-06/7:32 PM
very "hallmark card"
Re: Normality by colbaby	24-Sep-06/7:29 PM
"And I’ve lost another shoelace in this giant vat of beer." just when i was ready to write it off as a futile exercise, that line saves the poem. Normality is not grammatically incorrect, but it's generally referred to as normalcy. not that that's a good thing.
Re: Farmhouse, Southern France (storm on arrival) by Ranger	24-Sep-06/7:23 PM
pleasant blankverse. the first two stanzas paint a moving, deliberate picture, and i'm waiting for the payoff, but the final strophe doesn't quite deliver. after "earthen pitch," it reads like you're trying to jam too much information into a space that won't hold it. i'm all for clever metaphors, but in this case i think you need to leave the leaping lizards and passing insects. readdress the ending more literally and bring your main idea into focus.
Re: Soup Can by oneglove	24-Sep-06/7:12 PM
jumping off buildings Just to part the crowd i like this. because of the cliche first and third lines i think some people may give up on this poem prematurely, but i like the feeling in the last few. as a poem on the subject of suicide, i guess it can't help being a bit over the top, so to speak. consider a different beginning, but keep the end.
Re: Her Eyes by Fayt	24-Sep-06/6:35 PM
love, from above? i know you're constrained by the sonnet form, but if i were you i'd scrap the last two lines and write something completely different. it almost sounds as if you just ran out of things to say and regressed to the least common denominator. push yourself!
Re: Attention, This Just In by thepinkbunnyofdoom	24-Sep-06/6:33 PM
funny that someone mentioned rap. i'd really like to hear how this fits a beat and groove. and if it doesn't, change it so it does. for example, "you can go ahead and sound the alarm" could be shortened to "go n' sound the alarm." just an example.
Re: Pain by PoeticJustice	24-Sep-06/6:29 PM
a homocidal arsonist poem? maybe you're just too far ahead of me, but i'm having trouble taking something meaningful from it. i know you have an endrhyme scheme that you feel you need to follow, but before it rhymes this has to bring something more evocative. don't tell about the anger. show it.
Re: a comment on The Dovina Memorial Bike Lane by Dovina	24-Sep-06/6:23 PM
and maybe more present tense instead of past tense. try it.
Re: The Dovina Memorial Bike Lane by Dovina	24-Sep-06/6:21 PM
damn right! if i were you i'd rework the line breaks to emphasize more verbs. "abused" is buried in the middle of a line when it needed to be front and center. i think you captured here something we all sometimes wish we could do: pull all the politicians out of their chairs, shake them violently and talk some sense, dammit!
Re: a comment on Jose Streets by SupremeDreamer	24-Sep-06/8:31 AM
no need to clarify. as i said, i assumed the name was true to your experience (i.e. the actual name of a real club). but as picasso said, art is a lie that shows us the truth. In my opinion it'd be better for the purposes of your poem to pretend it was a club with a different name.
Re: a comment on Weather poem part 6: idols by nypoet22	24-Sep-06/1:20 AM
funny but i had the exact same thought, that this segment was probably a little over the top. but it's also the type of thing that's very hard to edit without disturbing the flow of it.