| Re: Game Over by nentwined |
24-Mar-21/10:22 AM |
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last stanza not necessary, trying to be too broad. stick with the image and stop where it stops.
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| Re: nothing to say by nentwined |
24-Mar-21/10:20 AM |
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thanks for... well... nothing.
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| Re: a comment on Jerusalem the Golden by rabbi sammy schtupp |
24-Mar-21/10:18 AM |
not quite sure now, i'd have to see the different versions side by side. in any case, it gets me thinking. here's a quote from an article this week in the Atlantic:
https://www.theatlantic.com/international/archive/2021/03/israel-election-benjamin-netanyahu/618358/
The Jewish people come out of the Holocaust with two different, contradictory sentiments. One is that we just have to survive, we can’t trust anyone, we need a strong army—we just need to survive. We saw what happened to us when we didn’t have a country of our own. The other sentiment is that we need to have liberal values, be part of the civilized world, in part because we know what happens to us when the world becomes uncivilized.
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| Re: a comment on The Cat Goddess by nypoet22 |
26-Jun-12/9:13 AM |
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but it wasn't complete! we left off at verse 23 (summer/winter). on this poem i agree with your comments; made two changes where you suggested, though i still prefer simile over metaphor for the end of the first stanza.
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| Re: a comment on The Cat Goddess by nypoet22 |
22-Jun-12/4:14 PM |
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great to hear from you again! y'know, we never did finish that renga!
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| Re: a comment on Late Song by nypoet22 |
28-Mar-12/10:08 PM |
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| Re: a comment on Late Song by nypoet22 |
28-Mar-12/10:07 PM |
your constructive criticism was considered in the re-write. here's the result, performed with guitar and violin:
http://youtu.be/pw_9K3VZZoo
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| Re: a comment on Late Song by nypoet22 |
28-Mar-12/10:05 PM |
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| Re: prosepiece by skaskowski |
28-Mar-12/7:57 PM |
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i'm assuming this is at least partly autobiographical. it's thought-provoking and sounds genuine, the pro and con of the post-breakup drunk text. the last time i felt like doing that texting was in its infancy and she didn't have a cell phone. when you're in the mood, i'd suggest paring down the adjectives so it hits harder and faster.
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| Re: it is my turn this season by daniella |
26-Mar-12/11:53 PM |
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i don't think i saw this poem's earlier versions. i like what you did with the imagery, though, much tighter than the lines SD commented on. i'm not sure i understand what you did with the seasons. it looks like the stanzas are fall-summer-spring, is the backward progression of the seasons intentional?
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| Re: Regterezone: Dosh. by T. Jonathron Remp |
16-Aug-11/3:41 PM |
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care to post an english translation?
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| Re: Counting by Dovina |
12-Aug-11/9:57 AM |
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i think is among your best.
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| Re: David & Derrick by TheModestKing |
12-Aug-11/8:32 AM |
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the first line is great, but the rest lacks specifics. what behavior? kill what? drink what?
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| Re: a comment on True Love by Jessina |
12-Aug-11/8:27 AM |
wow, don't hold back, tell us what you REALLY think! :)
i'd say true love is cherishing and accepting each other as we really are, which includes the lovemaking, the ass-wiping and everything in between. i got a kick out of your imagery though.
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| Re: The Owl in the Wasteland by Caducus |
12-Aug-11/8:13 AM |
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i like the word use and images. thirsting for a babe that sleeps in the sun's fleece, our bones become hands shaped at midnight, let dusk hatch us silver. super. this would be a nine or a ten, but the very last line seems not to fit at all.
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| Re: Munnar -a must -see destination by Jessina |
12-Aug-11/8:04 AM |
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| Re: Hobo. [Redux Revision v.2] by SupremeDreamer |
12-Aug-11/8:00 AM |
the conceit here ends with the word laptop. in my not so humble opinion, so should the poem.
the last two stanzas are already pretty clearly implied, almost a completely different poem. i think the sudden change in perspective weakens rather than strengthens.
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| Re: An Ode to Teenage Pimple Poets. by Y2kSlamPoet |
12-Aug-11/7:53 AM |
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i feel you on this. it's not always just the teens, either.
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| Re: Purple Patches by skaskowski |
12-Aug-11/7:49 AM |
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light and whimsical in spite of the violent images.
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| Re: It Is by Skamper |
18-Feb-11/4:17 PM |
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it'd be funny if he said it's a big dinosaur that helps you with your homework :)
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