on Game Over by nentwined
24 Mar 2021, 10:22 AM
last stanza not necessary, trying to be too broad. stick with the image and stop where it stops.
on nothing to say by nentwined
24 Mar 2021, 10:20 AM
thanks for... well... nothing.
replying on Jerusalem the Golden by rabbi sammy schtupp
24 Mar 2021, 10:18 AM
not quite sure now, i'd have to see the different versions side by side. in any case, it gets me thinking. here's a quote from an article this week in the Atlantic:
https://www.theatlantic.com/internationa
The Jewish people come out of the Holocaust with two different, contradictory sentiments. One is that we just have to survive, we can’t trust anyone, we need a strong army—we just need to survive. We saw what happened to us when we didn’t have a country of our own. The other sentiment is that we need to have liberal values, be part of the civilized world, in part because we know what happens to us when the world becomes uncivilized.
https://www.theatlantic.com/internationa
The Jewish people come out of the Holocaust with two different, contradictory sentiments. One is that we just have to survive, we can’t trust anyone, we need a strong army—we just need to survive. We saw what happened to us when we didn’t have a country of our own. The other sentiment is that we need to have liberal values, be part of the civilized world, in part because we know what happens to us when the world becomes uncivilized.
replying on The Cat Goddess by nypoet22
26 Jun 2012, 9:13 AM
but it wasn't complete! we left off at verse 23 (summer/winter). on this poem i agree with your comments; made two changes where you suggested, though i still prefer simile over metaphor for the end of the first stanza.
replying on The Cat Goddess by nypoet22
22 Jun 2012, 4:14 PM
great to hear from you again! y'know, we never did finish that renga!
your constructive criticism was considered in the re-write. here's the result, performed with guitar and violin:
http://youtu.be/pw_9K3VZZoo
http://youtu.be/pw_9K3VZZoo
on prosepiece by skaskowski
28 Mar 2012, 7:57 PM
i'm assuming this is at least partly autobiographical. it's thought-provoking and sounds genuine, the pro and con of the post-breakup drunk text. the last time i felt like doing that texting was in its infancy and she didn't have a cell phone. when you're in the mood, i'd suggest paring down the adjectives so it hits harder and faster.
on it is my turn this season by daniella
26 Mar 2012, 11:53 PM
i don't think i saw this poem's earlier versions. i like what you did with the imagery, though, much tighter than the lines SD commented on. i'm not sure i understand what you did with the seasons. it looks like the stanzas are fall-summer-spring, is the backward progression of the seasons intentional?
on Regterezone: Dosh. by T. Jonathron Remp
16 Aug 2011, 3:41 PM
care to post an english translation?
on David & Derrick by TheModestKing
12 Aug 2011, 8:32 AM
the first line is great, but the rest lacks specifics. what behavior? kill what? drink what?
on The Owl in the Wasteland by Caducus
12 Aug 2011, 8:13 AM
i like the word use and images. thirsting for a babe that sleeps in the sun's fleece, our bones become hands shaped at midnight, let dusk hatch us silver. super. this would be a nine or a ten, but the very last line seems not to fit at all.
on Munnar -a must -see destination by Jessina
12 Aug 2011, 8:04 AM
'tis.
on Hobo. [Redux Revision v.2] by SupremeDreamer
12 Aug 2011, 8:00 AM
the conceit here ends with the word laptop. in my not so humble opinion, so should the poem.
the last two stanzas are already pretty clearly implied, almost a completely different poem. i think the sudden change in perspective weakens rather than strengthens.
the last two stanzas are already pretty clearly implied, almost a completely different poem. i think the sudden change in perspective weakens rather than strengthens.
on An Ode to Teenage Pimple Poets. by Y2kSlamPoet
12 Aug 2011, 7:53 AM
i feel you on this. it's not always just the teens, either.
on Purple Patches by skaskowski
12 Aug 2011, 7:49 AM
light and whimsical in spite of the violent images.