replying on Late Song by nypoet22
18 Feb 2011, 4:12 PM
you're right, pine is very old-fashioned which makes it sound awkward in that usage. i like it though, so i'm taking it back. good criticism, i'll have to think on what to do with that last want, and a number of other similar repetitions, to stop the song from droning on too long.
on Wish I was there... by amanda_dcosta
13 Feb 2011, 12:33 AM
this belongs on a hallmark card. it feels like you could use some minor tweaking in the language, but for what it is, i think it's pretty good.
on Best friends by amanda_dcosta
13 Feb 2011, 12:27 AM
i have technical issues with this, but i can't even bring myself to voice them. it's just really sweet.
on Jerusalem the Golden by rabbi sammy schtupp
12 Feb 2011, 11:43 PM
is this intended to be ironic? it's not a bad piece, but i think you may have been trying for a clearer and more biting message.
on dictates of whose travel agency? by A. Nomaly
12 Feb 2011, 11:39 PM
i wonder how many people miss the point of this. conversational tone, stripped to the bone. in its own way, this works.
on Freedom by amanda_dcosta
12 Feb 2011, 11:27 PM
i like a lot of this, but there are a few blips that i think don't work. "held tight in grip" is clunky, you can word it a bit better. "despair" sounds cliche. disrepair? roadside flare? dining room chair? almost anything would be better there than despair. a good effort though, at a difficult form.
on (untitled) by A. Nomaly
12 Feb 2011, 11:19 PM
the tone and voice are polished. i like this even better than the other one. i may be mistaken but i think you meant either latched or leashed rather than lashed. otherwise top notch.
on That man looks so familiar by A. Nomaly
12 Feb 2011, 11:12 PM
very sensory, i like it. first line is a bit incongruent with the rest, and so is the middle line. what effect were you going for?
on My Brain by T. Jonathron Remp
12 Feb 2011, 11:06 PM
interesting! if you start with circus of circuits and remove "of slime. everlasting," it'd be a damnfine haiku.
on Thanks by Dan garcia-Black
12 Feb 2011, 11:01 PM
heh, brown noser.
on Self-Inflicted Wounds by wilco
12 Feb 2011, 10:32 PM
a lot of religious images here. is there something more personal to your own experience that would add meaning?
on tree in a flood by Skamper
12 Feb 2011, 10:22 PM
it's got a good skeleton but it's a bit flabby. one verb is worth ten adjectives and adverbs. this is how i read it:
"i feel your caresses, blown, sending tingles with rivulets. i awake, intensify, bend, stretch, accommodate. i am peaking, fulfilled. you're rushing. i am satisfied, saturated. your hunger magnifies, breaking pieces, caresses and kisses, lashings and torrents. you are raging, i am subdued, swayings and rustlings, thrashings, anchored. i give. i am.
"i feel your caresses, blown, sending tingles with rivulets. i awake, intensify, bend, stretch, accommodate. i am peaking, fulfilled. you're rushing. i am satisfied, saturated. your hunger magnifies, breaking pieces, caresses and kisses, lashings and torrents. you are raging, i am subdued, swayings and rustlings, thrashings, anchored. i give. i am.
on puppy love by Freethinker1602
16 Sep 2010, 1:09 AM
sincere, if imprecise.
on Poemranker is Back! by Dovina
16 Sep 2010, 1:08 AM
simple, elegant, i like it! ;)
on Holy Spirit - A Tanka Poem by amanda_dcosta
16 Sep 2010, 1:07 AM
i like the form, and the last line. the rest, however, needs work in my view. the adjectives are standard.
on Chasing Droplets by dinah
16 Sep 2010, 1:04 AM
i like the overall sentiment. this feels like it hasn't been edited yet. write it however you like, but i would write it:
I am cursed. I give
yet receive nothing.
I gave everything.
Now I'm stuck, sitting
on the dead orchid petals
you keep watering
for the illusion of life.
I desire freedom.
give me back
my body.
I am cursed. I give
yet receive nothing.
I gave everything.
Now I'm stuck, sitting
on the dead orchid petals
you keep watering
for the illusion of life.
I desire freedom.
give me back
my body.