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Beslan (Sonnet) by Ranger
In your hands the balalaikas burn with nervous friction’s flame. Jesting tongues of poppy-reddened fleeting fools adjourn for second dawn-light’s gut and wire-strung triangular and splintered fretted frame. All notes run sharp but stave the coming gloom: the clouding air is low. You sing your shame to falling stones of heaven’s crumbling tomb, and balalaikas cry again to call their children home. The ragged choirs resound in song to praise the holy minor fall of Hallelujah. Angels curl around like ruined smoke in eyes which turn opaque, as men atone and children’s voices break.

Up the ladder: The Mushrooms' Song
Down the ladder: Angel

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Arithmetic Mean: 9.428572
Weighted score: 6.191026
Overall Rank: 999
Posted: June 6, 2007 5:32 AM PDT; Last modified: June 6, 2007 5:32 AM PDT
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Comments:
[9] Dovina @ 12.74.123.71 | 6-Jun-07/12:01 PM | Reply
I heard a balalaika played with Russian hands, and would prefer the singular in line 1, makes is more personal. And the possessive friction's in line 2 seems superfluous. Why is the fretted frame splintered? The triangular frame might be splintered, but the frets are on the fingerboard, and splinters would hurt. I like the sound of this, "holy minor fall of Hallelujah" especially.
[n/a] Ranger @ 81.103.124.179 > Dovina | 8-Jun-07/4:27 AM | Reply
We have a balalaika at home, a genuine Russian piece of rubbish. Whoever made it seemed to think it would be funny to string instruments with cheesewire. I don't feel I can change line 1 to the singular; it is in part deliberately ambiguous (talking to the terrorists or to God - either way 'balalaikas' works, I think) as it was being worked out as I went (4th, possibly 5th type ambiguity for those Empson disciples out there).
[10] drnick @ 24.247.158.152 | 8-Jun-07/1:22 PM | Reply
Flawless with an outsanding closing line. If you like that sort of thing. ;)
[9] richa @ 85.210.32.212 | 16-Jun-07/2:17 PM | Reply
I don't really know what a holy minor fall is, I think you mean a pun on minor as a child and minor in music but to what end I'm not sure. Also try and avoid cliches like coming gloom crumbling tomb. Other than that good. Some of the phrasing is quite complicated but good. The poem is strongest where you explore the physical nature of the balalaika and play with the metaphor.
[n/a] Ranger @ 81.152.176.129 > richa | 21-Jun-07/5:32 AM | Reply
Minor - the children who were shot as they ran.

Coming gloom/crumbling tomb - good call. I'll work on that.
[8] amanda_dcosta @ 82.178.132.117 | 25-Oct-08/4:13 AM | Reply
I think I read this many times and fail to see how I didnt comment on it. Its lovely writing.

BTW - I tried mailing you a couple of times on your social network page and your mailing add, but it looks like you dont use them anymore. however , if you get this message, send me a test mail. Anyway, hows everything and what's happening with you.
[10] nypoet22 @ 65.34.245.31 | 12-Feb-11/11:35 PM | Reply
absolutely beautiful, wish i had been around when you posted it. love the interplay between musical and religious themes and the horror of the real life event.
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