| Re: IN THE OUTPOST OF WORDS by daggatolar |
16-Sep-10/12:57 AM |
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i don't mind the language - clever enough - but the emotional content i find a bit dry. maybe that's the whole point, but i'm not really feeling it.
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| Re: Prospects by http://mulberryfairy |
16-Sep-10/12:54 AM |
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very personal free-verse. in general i liked it. the third segment seems kind-of unnecessary, at least as its own distinct unit. if not, i would reverse the order of II and III. the end of III and beginning of II have an obvious connection, and "why are you here?" is a much better ending place.
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| Re: sculpture by ThePariahDog |
7-Mar-10/6:54 PM |
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| Re: Why I took my ears off by INTRANSIT |
7-Nov-07/5:06 PM |
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great crack about the ethics homework. are you sure you want to keep the prose-poem format though? it makes much of this piece difficult to parse.
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| Re: Behind closed offices by lukehanney |
7-Nov-07/5:02 PM |
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unashamedly light fare. it's a hallmark moment.
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| Re: Stroke It! by Skamper |
7-Nov-07/5:00 PM |
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extra points for shameless name-dropping ;)
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| Re: a comment on back o' the fridge by nypoet22 |
19-Oct-07/6:10 PM |
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but... but... i'm allergic to cheese. how about meatloaf?
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| Re: a comment on back o' the fridge by nypoet22 |
15-Oct-07/3:58 PM |
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hmm, you want a name for the mold-infested mystery organism that you thought was dead, but which hides in the shadows and stinks up the whole kitchen? for lack of a better analogy, i'll name it "richard cheney."
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| Re: Alfredo by Caducus |
18-Aug-07/10:40 PM |
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I'm guessing this is a WWII poem, but that's just a guess. This feels like an incomplete story. As such, it's okay to force your readers to infer some things, but I would like some more sensory detail to give a better clue as to the identities of the participants.
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| Re: Consider the Grass by Dovina |
30-Jun-07/12:24 AM |
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there's only so much excitement you can inject into a poem about grass growing, but i applaud the effort. adding the "I" in the last stanza seems not to fit very well.
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| Re: courtyard by lmp |
30-Jun-07/12:21 AM |
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the word today is not needed.
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| Re: light [edited] by lmp |
30-Jun-07/12:15 AM |
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i'd like to see something juxtaposing the skin of the grapefruit with the skin of the lover. the conceit seems to want it.
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| Re: Deeper by Skamper |
30-Jun-07/12:10 AM |
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| Re: A See-Through Prayer by PsydewaysTears |
30-Jun-07/12:10 AM |
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this reads like a Gaelic folk song. Now for the music...
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| Re: a comment on Why Do We Stay? by nypoet22 |
28-Jun-07/12:56 AM |
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Give the kid time. It's six years from twelve to eighteen, and in the past two schoolyears i've met some pretty exceptional seventh graders...
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| Re: a comment on Why Do We Stay? by nypoet22 |
28-Jun-07/12:52 AM |
Good point. Not that there's all that much doubt, but maybe at the end the activist within the poet tips his hand a bit too much. What would you think if the ending were:
Alex huffs, "He is not my
Leader anymore."
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| Re: a comment on Close your eyes but keep your mind wide open by darylchew |
28-May-07/7:56 AM |
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poor word choice by me. i meant it was cliche and the rest of the poem would be better off without it.
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| Re: The boomerang holiday by INTRANSIT |
28-May-07/7:53 AM |
as if were?
erstwhile kelp?
some of these choices of phrase need rethinking.
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| Re: The Wingman by John Rambo |
28-May-07/7:50 AM |
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does this contain a note of regret?
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| Re: Altitude by half.italian |
28-May-07/7:49 AM |
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the last stanza should be split into two lines. i like the ending, but for it to have the impact i think you want, you have to introduce the coil image earlier. 'intricate architecture' could be improved upon to tie the beginning and end together.
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