| Poem: Submit | Random | Best | Worst | Recent | Comments |
|
Alfredo (Free verse) by Caducus Shadows brought heels
to a calomine ghost
wailing on linoleum
for a stranger to leave.
Heels brought soft voices
and hands that held needles,
the stranger wept quietly
whispering âPapaâ.
Sleep brought a dream
to the calomine ghost
he was nineteen and golden
making love in a vineyard
whispering âFrancescaâ.
Dreams left a stranger
smiling on linoleum.
He heard his Papa as he slept
uttering âFrancescaâ,
and the stranger left
as his son: âAlfredoâ
Up the ladder:
Cancer
Down the ladder:
Week End Justification
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 7.142857
Posted: August 17, 2007 7:29 AM PDT; Last modified: August 17, 2007 7:29 AM PDTWeighted score: 5.576303 Overall Rank: 2403 Comments:
[8]
nypoet22 @ 65.10.242.119
|
18-Aug-07/10:40 PM
|
Reply
I'm guessing this is a WWII poem, but that's just a guess. This feels like an incomplete story. As such, it's okay to force your readers to infer some things, but I would like some more sensory detail to give a better clue as to the identities of the participants.
Wow! This is really left open to interpretation. My guess is the calomine ghost suffers from alzheimer's.
I agree.
I agree this need more detail for the reader to make out who the characters are to eachother. I like the idea of the shadows being a heel to the ghost. The transition from shadows brought heels to heels brought soft voices is also rather elegant.
Is calomine an alternate spelling of calamine, and was the vineyard actually a grove of poison ivy?
260 view(s)
|
||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
