| Poem: Submit | Random | Best | Worst | Recent | Comments |
|
courtyard (Free verse) by lmp i often hear:
rain splashing
upon the rock,
the melody echoing
off the walls.
today:
only silence,
an eddied dance of
white on
wind.
Up the ladder:
Pop the Pill
Down the ladder:
Hoi Polloi
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 5.6666665
Posted: June 28, 2007 3:50 PM PDT; Last modified: June 29, 2007 2:20 PM PDTWeighted score: 5.179294 Overall Rank: 4849 Comments:
i can accept that the previously posted version of this in the concrete style sucked. i thank those that pointed out the flaws.
while this may not be a better version, necessarily, it is at least more true to the original visceral response to (and memory of) the moment that motivated the penning of these words.
the word today is not needed.
why the spacings now? I have seen this done in a few poems and don't get the idea behind it.
I like the irregular drip-drip sound you get with the indentations and line breaks, although I don't think that 'melody' is the word you want in this.
Very nice feel to this short verse. Picturesque.
Your poetry smells like a lavatory's effluence
214 view(s)
|
||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
s2 is more zen, mystical, hushed, contemplative.
different weather, same place. different mood, same person.