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courtyard (Free verse) by lmp
i often hear: rain splashing upon the rock, the melody echoing off the walls. today: only silence, an eddied dance of white on wind.

Up the ladder: I'm Alive!
Down the ladder: Nowhere but now

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Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
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Arithmetic Mean: 5.6666665
Weighted score: 5.179294
Overall Rank: 4838
Posted: June 28, 2007 3:50 PM PDT; Last modified: June 29, 2007 2:20 PM PDT
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Comments:
[7] Dovina @ 65.171.117.171 | 29-Jun-07/3:03 PM | Reply
S1 is plain and easy. S2 is kind of haiku - very sparse. The two together seem mismatched.
[n/a] lmp @ 141.154.134.3 > Dovina | 29-Jun-07/3:27 PM | Reply
s1 is more "pedestrian" for lack of a better term. even a bit melancholy.

s2 is more zen, mystical, hushed, contemplative.

different weather, same place. different mood, same person.
[n/a] lmp @ 141.154.134.3 | 29-Jun-07/3:42 PM | Reply
i can accept that the previously posted version of this in the concrete style sucked. i thank those that pointed out the flaws.

while this may not be a better version, necessarily, it is at least more true to the original visceral response to (and memory of) the moment that motivated the penning of these words.
[8] nypoet22 @ 65.8.70.95 | 30-Jun-07/12:21 AM | Reply
the word today is not needed.
[8] Skamper @ 202.6.130.120 | 30-Jun-07/5:58 PM | Reply
why the spacings now? I have seen this done in a few poems and don't get the idea behind it.
[9] Ranger @ 81.158.79.189 | 1-Jul-07/3:14 AM | Reply
I like the irregular drip-drip sound you get with the indentations and line breaks, although I don't think that 'melody' is the word you want in this.
[9] amanda_dcosta @ 82.178.138.236 | 26-Nov-10/11:10 AM | Reply
Very nice feel to this short verse. Picturesque.
[0] conny lingers @ 127.0.0.1 | 23-Jan-23/9:46 AM | Reply
Your poetry smells like a lavatory's effluence
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