poemranker ::light [edited] by lmp

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Haiku № 136214

light [edited]

by lmp

Member since 2005 · Posted 3 Jan 2006 · Edited 29 Jun 2007 · 22 comments

yellow-pink rind fades next to morning light's luster upon your soft skin

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5 votes so far. Yours would make 6.5 votes so far

22 comments

[5] Dovina 3-Jan-06/2:57 PM Reply
I can't picture it. Sorry.
[n/a] lmp › Dovina 3-Jan-06/3:07 PM Reply
ok, well, this was rather personal. i was eating a grapefruit in the bedroom next to my new lover, watching her sleep.
[5] Dovina › lmp 3-Jan-06/3:11 PM Reply
I hope you taped it to her and she read it upon awakening. Then she would not answer as I did.
[9] INTRANSIT › Dovina 4-Jan-06/7:20 AM Reply
You're seeing rockmage on the side, arent you?
[5] Dovina › INTRANSIT 4-Jan-06/1:40 PM Reply
I love this kind of question. It makes me feel so vulnerable and defensive. So, of course, I must answer, no.
[2] LilMsLadyPoet 3-Jan-06/8:43 PM Reply
rind...hmm...fruit/
fades
ON your skin....
you put a wilting fruit rind on her/his skin?
Not a pretty picture...
[n/a] lmp › LilMsLadyPoet 4-Jan-06/6:39 AM Reply
sigh... the glow of morning is upon (her) soft skin. the yellow rind (tinged pink) fades in comparison.
[9] INTRANSIT › lmp 4-Jan-06/7:24 AM Reply
You want her skin to usurp the morning which has usurped the rind, correct? I can see it. 17 syllables is not enough some times.
[5] Dovina › INTRANSIT 4-Jan-06/1:38 PM Reply
But 18 is. I count, therefore I am. If I were here, I would see it and swoon.
[9] INTRANSIT › Dovina 4-Jan-06/2:53 PM Reply
Ha! Duh on me.
[n/a] lmp › INTRANSIT 28-Apr-06/7:41 AM Reply
glad someone here does...
[9] ALChemy › lmp 4-Jan-06/4:02 PM Reply
"My love's eyes are nothing like the sun".-Shakespeare
[9] ALChemy 4-Jan-06/3:57 PM Reply
Lose the "The".
Nice Haiku.
[n/a] lmp › ALChemy 5-Jan-06/8:44 AM Reply
ok, i feel just a weeee bit foolish. (i take it you mean the first "the"?). yeah, it actually makes it 6-7-5, doesn't it?
[6] <~> 10-Jan-06/9:04 AM Reply
still, it's not a complete image, even if it is a lovely one. the hard-ass in me wants a complete image from my haiku.
[n/a] lmp › <~> 28-Apr-06/7:43 AM Reply
well, it is complete in my mind because i was there. i remeber the morning still, and that was over 10, no 11, years ago. so maybe it is a little obscure. so, what?
[n/a] Skamper 29-Jun-07/6:22 PM Reply
I can see the image you are trying to create, and the contrast - but, find I would be lost if it wasn't for the comments above. So, maybe you need to put the fruit in the title somehow because I keep wanting to change 'rind' to 'ring' as if it's a typo...

[7] nypoet22 30-Jun-07/12:15 AM Reply
i'd like to see something juxtaposing the skin of the grapefruit with the skin of the lover. the conceit seems to want it.
[n/a] lmp › nypoet22 21-Apr-08/4:39 PM Reply
the grapefriuts' skin does fade next to the luster of light upon the lover's skin...
[8] Ranger 1-Jul-07/3:16 AM Reply
Unless you're sleeping with bacon, the rind wants explaining in the title. You give us the light in the poem, so the title's free to do a bit more work. Nice image, now that I know what it's about.
[9] INTRANSIT 4-Jul-07/7:18 AM Reply
Good on you for sicking with it. I know the facts, but what if you substituted a peach instead. The colors mix better. Grapefruits tend to be more defined. Not to mention it's an acidic fruit. Ah the challenge of haiku.
[n/a] lmp › INTRANSIT 5-Jul-07/8:42 AM Reply
but i was eating a grapefruit, peeling the rind. all that would be left of a peach is the pit:

pitted peach pit sits
glistening with juice in sun
drying somber brown.