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light [edited] (Haiku) by lmp yellow-pink rind fades
next to morning light's luster
upon your soft skin
Up the ladder:
Magnetic Time
Down the ladder:
sculpture
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 6.8
Posted: January 3, 2006 9:31 AM PST; Last modified: June 29, 2007 3:38 PM PDTWeighted score: 5.2145653 Overall Rank: 4372 Comments:
[5]
Dovina @ 69.175.32.104
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3-Jan-06/2:57 PM
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Reply
I can't picture it. Sorry.
[n/a]
lmp @ 141.154.134.3
> Dovina
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3-Jan-06/3:07 PM
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ok, well, this was rather personal. i was eating a grapefruit in the bedroom next to my new lover, watching her sleep.
[5]
Dovina @ 69.175.32.104
> lmp
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3-Jan-06/3:11 PM
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Reply
I hope you taped it to her and she read it upon awakening. Then she would not answer as I did.
[9]
INTRANSIT @ 64.12.116.138
> Dovina
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4-Jan-06/7:20 AM
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You're seeing rockmage on the side, arent you?
[5]
Dovina @ 209.247.222.92
> INTRANSIT
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4-Jan-06/1:40 PM
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I love this kind of question. It makes me feel so vulnerable and defensive. So, of course, I must answer, no.
rind...hmm...fruit/
fades ON your skin.... you put a wilting fruit rind on her/his skin? Not a pretty picture...
sigh... the glow of morning is upon (her) soft skin. the yellow rind (tinged pink) fades in comparison.
You want her skin to usurp the morning which has usurped the rind, correct? I can see it. 17 syllables is not enough some times.
But 18 is. I count, therefore I am. If I were here, I would see it and swoon.
Ha! Duh on me.
glad someone here does...
"My love's eyes are nothing like the sun".-Shakespeare
Lose the "The".
Nice Haiku.
ok, i feel just a weeee bit foolish. (i take it you mean the first "the"?). yeah, it actually makes it 6-7-5, doesn't it?
still, it's not a complete image, even if it is a lovely one. the hard-ass in me wants a complete image from my haiku.
well, it is complete in my mind because i was there. i remeber the morning still, and that was over 10, no 11, years ago. so maybe it is a little obscure. so, what?
I can see the image you are trying to create, and the contrast - but, find I would be lost if it wasn't for the comments above. So, maybe you need to put the fruit in the title somehow because I keep wanting to change 'rind' to 'ring' as if it's a typo...
i'd like to see something juxtaposing the skin of the grapefruit with the skin of the lover. the conceit seems to want it.
the grapefriuts' skin does fade next to the luster of light upon the lover's skin...
Unless you're sleeping with bacon, the rind wants explaining in the title. You give us the light in the poem, so the title's free to do a bit more work. Nice image, now that I know what it's about.
Good on you for sicking with it. I know the facts, but what if you substituted a peach instead. The colors mix better. Grapefruits tend to be more defined. Not to mention it's an acidic fruit. Ah the challenge of haiku.
but i was eating a grapefruit, peeling the rind. all that would be left of a peach is the pit:
pitted peach pit sits glistening with juice in sun drying somber brown. 304 view(s)
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