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light [edited] (Haiku) by lmp
yellow-pink rind fades next to morning light's luster upon your soft skin

Up the ladder: I Got Mine Designed
Down the ladder: Homecoming

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Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
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Arithmetic Mean: 6.8
Weighted score: 5.2145653
Overall Rank: 4362
Posted: January 3, 2006 9:31 AM PST; Last modified: June 29, 2007 3:38 PM PDT
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[5] Dovina @ | 3-Jan-06/2:57 PM | Reply
I can't picture it. Sorry.
[n/a] lmp @ > Dovina | 3-Jan-06/3:07 PM | Reply
ok, well, this was rather personal. i was eating a grapefruit in the bedroom next to my new lover, watching her sleep.
[5] Dovina @ > lmp | 3-Jan-06/3:11 PM | Reply
I hope you taped it to her and she read it upon awakening. Then she would not answer as I did.
[9] INTRANSIT @ > Dovina | 4-Jan-06/7:20 AM | Reply
You're seeing rockmage on the side, arent you?
[5] Dovina @ > INTRANSIT | 4-Jan-06/1:40 PM | Reply
I love this kind of question. It makes me feel so vulnerable and defensive. So, of course, I must answer, no.
[2] LilMsLadyPoet @ | 3-Jan-06/8:43 PM | Reply
ON your skin....
you put a wilting fruit rind on her/his skin?
Not a pretty picture...
[n/a] lmp @ > LilMsLadyPoet | 4-Jan-06/6:39 AM | Reply
sigh... the glow of morning is upon (her) soft skin. the yellow rind (tinged pink) fades in comparison.
[9] INTRANSIT @ > lmp | 4-Jan-06/7:24 AM | Reply
You want her skin to usurp the morning which has usurped the rind, correct? I can see it. 17 syllables is not enough some times.
[5] Dovina @ > INTRANSIT | 4-Jan-06/1:38 PM | Reply
But 18 is. I count, therefore I am. If I were here, I would see it and swoon.
[9] INTRANSIT @ > Dovina | 4-Jan-06/2:53 PM | Reply
Ha! Duh on me.
[n/a] lmp @ > INTRANSIT | 28-Apr-06/7:41 AM | Reply
glad someone here does...
[9] ALChemy @ > lmp | 4-Jan-06/4:02 PM | Reply
"My love's eyes are nothing like the sun".-Shakespeare
[9] ALChemy @ | 4-Jan-06/3:57 PM | Reply
Lose the "The".
Nice Haiku.
[n/a] lmp @ > ALChemy | 5-Jan-06/8:44 AM | Reply
ok, i feel just a weeee bit foolish. (i take it you mean the first "the"?). yeah, it actually makes it 6-7-5, doesn't it?
[6] <~> @ | 10-Jan-06/9:04 AM | Reply
still, it's not a complete image, even if it is a lovely one. the hard-ass in me wants a complete image from my haiku.
[n/a] lmp @ > <~> | 28-Apr-06/7:43 AM | Reply
well, it is complete in my mind because i was there. i remeber the morning still, and that was over 10, no 11, years ago. so maybe it is a little obscure. so, what?
[n/a] Skamper @ | 29-Jun-07/6:22 PM | Reply
I can see the image you are trying to create, and the contrast - but, find I would be lost if it wasn't for the comments above. So, maybe you need to put the fruit in the title somehow because I keep wanting to change 'rind' to 'ring' as if it's a typo...

[7] nypoet22 @ | 30-Jun-07/12:15 AM | Reply
i'd like to see something juxtaposing the skin of the grapefruit with the skin of the lover. the conceit seems to want it.
[n/a] lmp @ > nypoet22 | 21-Apr-08/4:39 PM | Reply
the grapefriuts' skin does fade next to the luster of light upon the lover's skin...
[8] Ranger @ | 1-Jul-07/3:16 AM | Reply
Unless you're sleeping with bacon, the rind wants explaining in the title. You give us the light in the poem, so the title's free to do a bit more work. Nice image, now that I know what it's about.
[9] INTRANSIT @ | 4-Jul-07/7:18 AM | Reply
Good on you for sicking with it. I know the facts, but what if you substituted a peach instead. The colors mix better. Grapefruits tend to be more defined. Not to mention it's an acidic fruit. Ah the challenge of haiku.
[n/a] lmp @ > INTRANSIT | 5-Jul-07/8:42 AM | Reply
but i was eating a grapefruit, peeling the rind. all that would be left of a peach is the pit:

pitted peach pit sits
glistening with juice in sun
drying somber brown.
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