on garden spite by skaskowski
28 May 2007, 7:43 AM
for awhile i thought this was about new jersey - the garden state... but yes, the first two lines seem unnecessary.
on Close your eyes but keep your mind wide open by darylchew
28 May 2007, 7:25 AM
the first line is completely unnecessary. the rest needs tightening of language.
on The Ascent by somemorepoetry
26 May 2007, 12:50 PM
don't ditch your language use, just add a few more specific details to complete the image.
on Ode to Jack by Skamper
26 May 2007, 12:48 PM
chained in their vanity? i don't think that phrase works where it is. otherwise clever and thought-provoking. I like the rhythm.
on Glossary without an index by daniella
26 May 2007, 12:16 PM
you have some beautiful imagery in this, but there are also some atrocious phrasing choices and grammatical errors that interrupt your flow. final stanza is superb. this could be SO much better with a little proofreading.
on Fighting For Peace (is like) by Skamper
26 May 2007, 12:01 PM
Fire starter/ Oil for barter - great line!
on hopscotch rocks by FreeFormFixation
26 May 2007, 11:57 AM
breath of fresh air is cliche. so is live in the now.
other than those blips, this is an evocative series of images.
other than those blips, this is an evocative series of images.
on C. by skaskowski
26 May 2007, 11:54 AM
i liked, "A spider-web like music staff/ crawled across your safety glass." I'm not sure how this all relates to a central theme, though it seems to be describing some aspect of an automobile accident. i don't like "a raving hypocrite" or "a rampart of regrets" - i understand why they're there, but i'd say those moments of reflection interrupt the flow you've developed in the rest of the poem.
on surgical spite by calliope
26 May 2007, 11:50 AM
i'd be curious to hear the music to this.
whoops, deleted my reply by accident. the satchel was historically used by everybody, but especially frequently by Jews ever since the middle-ages. Since the middle-ages, Jews in Europe always had to be ready to grab their satchels at a moment's notice. You never knew when some peasant uprising or the whims of some nobility or church official would suddenly expel them from their homes with nothing but a couple books, some clothes, and what few valuables they might be able to carry.
Thus, in spite of the extraordinary circumstances of the holocaust, it was completely natural afterwards to pick yourself up if you could, grab a satchel and start walking. In their case, mostly away from central Europe, to the West, the USSR, South America or Israel.
Thus, in spite of the extraordinary circumstances of the holocaust, it was completely natural afterwards to pick yourself up if you could, grab a satchel and start walking. In their case, mostly away from central Europe, to the West, the USSR, South America or Israel.
Satchels have historically been a big part of European Jewish existence, since they periodically were forced to suddenly flee persecution with only what they could carry, usually a few valuables, a book or two and some clothes, carried in a satchel. see the above comments for more on the topic.
On a lighter note, Stephen Robins thinks this poem really, really, really, really sucks, fails on every level, and would be better if satchel meant an axe in someone's forehead. since he has thus far been unable to express that thought in a civil or dignified manner, i'm paraphrasing so his vast and committed readership do not feel cheated of that very important opinion.
On a lighter note, Stephen Robins thinks this poem really, really, really, really sucks, fails on every level, and would be better if satchel meant an axe in someone's forehead. since he has thus far been unable to express that thought in a civil or dignified manner, i'm paraphrasing so his vast and committed readership do not feel cheated of that very important opinion.
replying on The Happy Side of Misery by Dovina
22 May 2007, 1:16 PM
I meant both the rebuke arose stanza and the antsy spirit stanza, both inconsistent in tense. the rest of the poem is all present tense. If you're going to change tense, especially in the middle(s?) of two stanzas in a row, have a good reason to do so. did you have a reason, or was it just the way things came out?
on The Happy Side of Misery by Dovina
22 May 2007, 4:41 AM
pleasant. i like the starting tone, almost a storytelling type of voice. but as the image develops the tone gets much more formal. the two stanzas that start with 'rebuke arose' switch from present tense to past, as well as from concrete imagery to abstract. they interrupt the story's flow more than they add.
on The Editor by Dovina
20 May 2007, 11:58 AM
this is very prosey. I feel like the first four lines are not really necessary at all, and the last four don't connect very well with the imagery in-between. That said, the middle 8 lines are very nice.
on Final Moon by Caducus
20 May 2007, 11:51 AM
i like.
on Snow by MacFrantic
20 May 2007, 11:50 AM
the first two stanzas i like. the word loneliness stands out a bit as telling, not showing, in an otherwise pretty good third stanza. the last three lines really aren't necessary, and the poem would be much better were they omitted.
on Portrait of the artist as [insert adjective] by Nicholas Jones
20 May 2007, 11:46 AM
good idea but this could be a lot more concise.