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1945 (Senryu) by nypoet22
He cries, holds her cold form close. Her last whisper, "Shh, Here, hold my satchel."

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Arithmetic Mean: 4.25
Weighted score: 4.910598
Overall Rank: 9619
Posted: May 20, 2007 11:36 AM PDT; Last modified: May 21, 2007 1:33 PM PDT
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[6] Skamper @ | 20-May-07/6:37 PM | Reply
Is she being executed?
[n/a] nypoet22 @ > Skamper | 22-May-07/4:50 AM | Reply
the image in my mind was someone dying of disease or malnutrition, with a relative or friend watching her die and feeling sorry for himself. if it were yours to write, how would you put that across differently?
[n/a] richa @ > nypoet22 | 22-May-07/8:57 AM | Reply
How about:

five years not dead of disease
she dies on the sixth and then they make peace
and isn't it ironic.
[n/a] richa @ > richa | 22-May-07/9:02 AM | Reply
from disease. And I rather thought it was about Eva Braun.
[n/a] nypoet22 @ > richa | 22-May-07/1:48 PM | Reply
LOL! feeling cynical today? :)
[6] Skamper @ > nypoet22 | 22-May-07/3:07 PM | Reply
This senryu caused quite a discussion in our house (yes, slow day). With many conclusions being formed on the use of the word -satchel. In your first write I had thought he was executing her, the language you used has softened with this re-write, and I think you had called her a survivor. The title dragged our minds to WW2, where the use of a satchel was widespread, from medics to children.

He cries – her death breath
Whispering - quiet, my love
He holds her satchel

It's hard to write with anothers thoughts, and I am still a little confused - all good tho - not everything needs an explanation, some writes are made to make you think..
[n/a] nypoet22 @ > Skamper | 26-May-07/11:49 AM | Reply
whoops, deleted my reply by accident. the satchel was historically used by everybody, but especially frequently by Jews ever since the middle-ages. Since the middle-ages, Jews in Europe always had to be ready to grab their satchels at a moment's notice. You never knew when some peasant uprising or the whims of some nobility or church official would suddenly expel them from their homes with nothing but a couple books, some clothes, and what few valuables they might be able to carry.

Thus, in spite of the extraordinary circumstances of the holocaust, it was completely natural afterwards to pick yourself up if you could, grab a satchel and start walking. In their case, mostly away from central Europe, to the West, the USSR, South America or Israel.
[8] Ranger @ | 23-May-07/2:41 AM | Reply
I can't shake the Hiroshima feeling from this, "cold" being the odd word out, of course.

"Satchel" is an interesting word to use there, it's either incredibly effective or detracting; I'm not certain which. I'll come back to this later.
[n/a] nypoet22 @ > Ranger | 23-May-07/4:25 PM | Reply
Satchels have historically been a big part of European Jewish existence, since they periodically were forced to suddenly flee persecution with only what they could carry, usually a few valuables, a book or two and some clothes, carried in a satchel. see the above comments for more on the topic.

On a lighter note, Stephen Robins thinks this poem really, really, really, really sucks, fails on every level, and would be better if satchel meant an axe in someone's forehead. since he has thus far been unable to express that thought in a civil or dignified manner, i'm paraphrasing so his vast and committed readership do not feel cheated of that very important opinion.
[n/a] Dovina @ > nypoet22 | 24-May-07/11:08 AM | Reply
If there is a heaven for homosexuals, which doesn’t seem very likely for Stephen Robins, it will be very poorly lit and full of people he can feel pretty confident he will never have to meet again. It is only partly because he is ashamed of himself and wishes to remain unrecognized that this environment seems so desirable. The chief reason is that it makes possible contacts of astounding physical intimacy without the intervention of personality. To either partner the other is garlanded with fantasies.
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