on Bookshop girls by Stephen Robins
20 May 2007, 11:43 AM
the first half is funny. the second half is just gratuitous, doesn't really add anything.
replying on the magic rock by nypoet22
13 May 2007, 9:00 AM
revised.
replying on the magic rock by nypoet22
12 May 2007, 11:01 AM
I added an introductory quote and a verse in the middle in an attempt to clarify. good? bad? other?
replying on the magic rock by nypoet22
12 May 2007, 10:58 AM
does this clear things up any?
replying on new clothes, same old story by nypoet22
30 Apr 2007, 5:55 PM
possibly passed by, on his way to stand on a chair and perform. possibly passed excrement and stood on that. possibly both at the same time, at least metaphorically.
replying on new clothes, same old story by nypoet22
26 Apr 2007, 11:28 AM
spelling error corrected, punctuation suggestion implemented. 'a' changed to 'the.' thanks.
on Deserted Shopping Carts by cheese.doodles
25 Apr 2007, 6:13 PM
nice hokku beginning, excellent underlying structure a-la-w.c.williams, both the beginning and ending are superb. the middle two stanzas drag a little, especially the third. try to get that same meaning in around half the words.
replying on weather poem part 3: the hurricane (renga) by nypoet22
17 Apr 2007, 1:41 PM
A hive of children
Await snow for snow angels,
mourn the shrinking sun.
Await snow for snow angels,
mourn the shrinking sun.
replying on weather poem part 3: the hurricane (renga) by nypoet22
25 Mar 2007, 9:28 AM
Organic pluots
burst, roll, touch, tickle palates
bred pink to hold them
burst, roll, touch, tickle palates
bred pink to hold them
on Tidal by helenwales
22 Oct 2006, 9:18 PM
not strictly haiku, but an interesting series of images nonetheless. the majority of these verses are closer to senryu (5-7-5 syllabic verse about people) than haiku (5-7-5 syllabic verse about nature). if these all really constitute one overall poem however, i would try to make your theme clearer, because i'm not seeing connection between the montage of images.
replying on Tidal by helenwales
22 Oct 2006, 9:12 PM
i think it's mainly just you that running 5-7-5 doesn't jive with.
on Epilogue by MacFrantic
22 Oct 2006, 9:09 PM
interesting. i'm not sure this stands on its own, but the end of a series... sure, why not.
replying on MRS Degree by Miggy
22 Oct 2006, 9:04 PM
oh come on, it's not THAT bad... the idea is solid and a few of the images are good, it's just the wording and a few of the more inane images that require a kitchen utensil.
replying on weather poem part 3: the hurricane (renga) by nypoet22
20 Oct 2006, 3:03 PM
great groundhog eyes
will waken hungering,
harvest gone to green
will waken hungering,
harvest gone to green
replying on weather poem part 3: the hurricane (renga) by nypoet22
17 Oct 2006, 5:06 PM
Rain drops thick and fat, splatters
the ground like grease on a frypan
(remember, the next one's a spring and flower image)
the ground like grease on a frypan
(remember, the next one's a spring and flower image)
replying on weather poem part 3: the hurricane (renga) by nypoet22
16 Oct 2006, 2:28 PM
her unborn face
hangs amniotic, Selene
over the summer sky
hangs amniotic, Selene
over the summer sky
replying on weather poem part 3: the hurricane (renga) by nypoet22
14 Oct 2006, 1:39 PM
Startled embryo
Stepped-on, mucked-up, matted,
packed in sod
(that was verse 11; almost 1/3 done)
Stepped-on, mucked-up, matted,
packed in sod
(that was verse 11; almost 1/3 done)
on A Poetry Reading by Dovina
14 Oct 2006, 1:27 PM
the whole event seems a bit dry and distant. as a reader i can relate, but still have trouble caring about the characters. maybe try using some present tense to add immediacy? I disagree with nick about "aware of her insignificance." Although the line tells about feelings that are meaningful, they could be better shown through body language or imagery. the last line is too much information unsupported; what comes before does not adequately suggest a reason for such an extreme result.