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Deserted Shopping Carts (Free verse) by cheese.doodles Abandoned children,
We lie in the ditches where
Our mothers shoved us.
Crippled
By twisted metal and broken wheels
We cannot walk anymore, we
Cannot escape
Or go home.
The creeping tentacles of
The weeds
Evil octopi, they
Sneak up
Curl around our limbs
Ensnare us
Shrouding our remains.
No-one
Will ever
Uncover
Our bones.
Up the ladder:
Mosul
Down the ladder:
Better Days
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 6.75
Posted: April 25, 2007 5:57 PM PDT; Last modified: April 25, 2007 5:57 PM PDTWeighted score: 5.2086053 Overall Rank: 4513 Comments:
[9]
nypoet22 @ 65.9.210.180
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25-Apr-07/6:13 PM
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Reply
nice hokku beginning, excellent underlying structure a-la-w.c.williams, both the beginning and ending are superb. the middle two stanzas drag a little, especially the third. try to get that same meaning in around half the words.
I think you mean evil octopodes. And evil is kind of overwrought for any poem let alone one ostensibly about shopping trolleys. I think the place the trolley is dumped possibly needs elucidating to give the poem place. Other than that the bones of a decent poem here. Have an -8-.
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