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Deserted Shopping Carts

Member since 2007 · Posted 25 Apr 2007 · 2 comments

Abandoned children, We lie in the ditches where Our mothers shoved us. Crippled By twisted metal and broken wheels We cannot walk anymore, we Cannot escape Or go home. The creeping tentacles of The weeds Evil octopi, they Sneak up Curl around our limbs Ensnare us Shrouding our remains. No-one Will ever Uncover Our bones.

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4 votes so far. Yours would make 5.4 votes so far

2 comments

[9] nypoet22 25-Apr-07/6:13 PM Reply

nice hokku beginning, excellent underlying structure a-la-w.c.williams, both the beginning and ending are superb. the middle two stanzas drag a little, especially the third. try to get that same meaning in around half the words.

[8] richa 30-Apr-07/3:04 AM Reply

I think you mean evil octopodes. And evil is kind of overwrought for any poem let alone one ostensibly about shopping trolleys. I think the place the trolley is dumped possibly needs elucidating to give the poem place. Other than that the bones of a decent poem here. Have an -8-.