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my secret (Free verse) by tre
Where did you go? I remember. I will never forget. The feelings. The rushing heartbeats, smiles, anxiety, excitement, passion. You kissed me in public. You didn' t care. You wanted me. Or did did you just want somebody? It stopped suddenly. Unexpected. Too soon. I don't understand. I can't believe it's over. It can't be over. It never started. I was too scared. I'm sorry. I was too scared to be loved by you. I think about what it couldv'e been every second of every day. Come back to me. Kiss me. Hold me in your arms. Your smile makes me melt. Smile at me. Why did you stop wanting me? I wanted you too. I waited for you. I wasn' t quick enough. You couldn't wait anymore. You were done with me. I wasn' t ready. I'm still not ready. Why did you cut me off? Break my heart. I yearn for you, another chance. It was so short, I want more. I want to taste your lips one more time. Feel your mouth move down my body. Gaze into your eyes when you tell me, "I know you feel it too." And I did. I still do. I want you back. You moved on. Is it for real? It looks real. It sounds real. So what were we? A momentary love, a weakness. It felt so powerful. I'm still feeling the rush. The rush I got when I thought of you. In class. In my room. Waiting for you on the grass. Listening to music which made my heart jump out of my chest. Remembering your room, your bed. Your body next to mine, On top of mine, Under mine. I can barely listen to the music now. Why still? Five months later. Time means nothing. I could never forget you. The things you did. The words you said. The notes you wrote. The messages you left. You were my secret. You entered me. My heart. You're stuck in me, but I'm no longer stuck in you. You moved on. Didn't you? So why don't you talk to me? Why can't you look at me? Do you want to forget? I never want to forget. Is it hard for you? You always seemed so strong, tough, put together. But you' re the immature one. Do you hate me? Want nothing to do with me? Do you ever think about me? Think about how it used to be. The lust, the craze, the want, the forbidden. The anxiety, the fear. The fear of him finding out. I want it all. But it's gone. i can't accept it. It's in my face daily. Your new girl, your "wife." Everyday is a struggle. To see you, to see her. Her is not Me. Are you happy? I remember a time when I made you happy, and when you wanted to make me happy. I can't forget what we had. I can't stand to hear about you and her. Her is not Me. Do you say the same things to her? Do the same things to her? Probably. I wonder if part of you still wants me, still thinks of me, hasn't written me out of your life. I want you to call. I want to talk into your eyes. Would it still be there? Why did you find someone else? Did I hurt you? You said I could never hurt you. You lied. Are you impatient, or are you just a jerk? Maybe. But you sure fooled me. I fell for you. I fell hard. I'm still falling. When will I hit the ground? Do I think too much? Should I just forget? Move on? But I can't. You suffocate me. I can't breathe, I can't think. I want you. I want a night with you. You always asked. I always said NO. I want to go now. With you, to your house. Spend the nite. Do you play the music for her?

Up the ladder: Question
Down the ladder: Dino Campana: Autumn Garden

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Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
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Arithmetic Mean: 6.75
Weighted score: 5.2086053
Overall Rank: 4521
Posted: March 28, 2004 12:19 AM PST; Last modified: March 28, 2004 12:19 AM PST
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Comments:
[8] Shuushin @ 207.5.211.177 | 28-Mar-04/6:30 AM | Reply
It kept me reading though I was thinking "too much, too many words" -

This theme of unrequited love/breakups is soooo done - BUT - you put a nice slant into it with some fresh ideas:

"You kissed me in public. You didn't care"
the "wife" angle.

The trick will be to pare it down a bit without losing the sense of realism or honesty - to not make it a cathartic fabrication/built-thing.

And this time, the question in the ending works pretty well. Would have more punch if there was some reference to it earlier on (but not the word music).

I want to give it a nine, but I'm held back by the theme - you could very likely tweak this up to good effect.
[n/a] -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. @ 81.86.113.159 | 28-Mar-04/6:30 AM | Reply
Kill him, then yourself.
[9] zodiac @ 67.240.155.248 | 28-Mar-04/6:52 AM | Reply
Do not read this if you haven't yet seen the incredibly good movie Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, as this is almost an exact plot summary as written by an infinite number of drunken monkeys banging on infinite malfunctioning typewriters.
[n/a] deleted user @ 68.169.177.107 | 28-Mar-04/9:45 AM | Reply
This is more a short story than a poem, and should not be posted as a poem. Others may disagree.
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