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A Poetry Reading (Free verse) by Dovina Hiding behind the podium,
holding on for support,
she strove for brazen,
but got the trembles.
Millions of faces stared
while she undressed
on the high platform.
Aware of her insignificance.
As silent ridicule ebbed,
the blur of faces cleared,
her voice felt reasonable,
she saw individuals,
picked out a keen old man,
tried to make him laugh and marvel.
But his eyes fell down,
she took her seat,
and never read again.
Up the ladder:
An Awaited and Long Deserved Spring
Down the ladder:
Holding The Ground
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 5.8
Posted: October 13, 2006 3:17 PM PDT; Last modified: October 13, 2006 3:17 PM PDTWeighted score: 5.095362 Overall Rank: 6121 Comments:
I like the line "aware of her insignificance" as I can relate. This is how I feel posting on here, though I do still keep going unlike the person of whom you write. If you used some awkward wording in this it might force the reader to feel what she may have felt on the podium.
Awkward wording might show that, if I could figure a way to word it awkwardly without sounding like a clutz.
the whole event seems a bit dry and distant. as a reader i can relate, but still have trouble caring about the characters. maybe try using some present tense to add immediacy? I disagree with nick about "aware of her insignificance." Although the line tells about feelings that are meaningful, they could be better shown through body language or imagery. the last line is too much information unsupported; what comes before does not adequately suggest a reason for such an extreme result.
The âextreme resultâ is her decision based on feelings of bitterness and hurt. Itâs meant to show that in such an emotional state, our thinking loses objectivity and clarity. It mires in our perceived dilemma.
The same content would make a decent poem if your verbs weren't so dull.
Yeah, the poem would be much better if it had 'zinzulated', 'expounded' and 'anaesthetised'.
OK then more precise verbs.
I'd even say the verbs are pretty definitive. What it needs is a solid image, like the podium, on which to build the story.
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I'd try and make the last word of each stanza end on a stressed syllable; it feels like it needs a little more finality in the piece.
Regarding stressed syllables at stanza ends, I fail to see the need for it. I know you are much more atuned to the sound of poems than I am, so perhaps you can convince me of the need.
Also, the way this is set up seems to show every line as being a definite action in a series of events. The weak endings let each line sort of run into the next, but I don't think it needs that. It feels to me like each line wants to be solid, conclusive. So for instance, you could write 'tried to make him marvel, laugh'. Or even 'marvel and laugh' if you're not too worried about iambic metre. This way I find lines end for good and the reader can then move on to the next event.
I had to laugh at your suggestion on âmarvel and laugh,â not because it isnât metrically better, it is, but because you hold such a high regard for meter. You are a poet, while I am a mere philosopher.
I am not a poet. I barely count as an apprentice. But at the moment I'm going all-out crazy on metrics; the more I look for, talk about, and criticise other peoples' use of metre, the better I'll become at it. I'll probably sign up to eratosphere tomorrow, it looks a pretty good place to go for improving. I'll stay on the ranker as well, but probably worry less about posting proper critiques, and more about the fun stuff like renga-writing.