poemranker ::A Poetry Reading by Dovina

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Free verse № 147434

A Poetry Reading

by Dovina

Member since 2004 · Posted 13 Oct 2006 · 13 comments

Hiding behind the podium, holding on for support, she strove for brazen, but got the trembles. Millions of faces stared while she undressed on the high platform. Aware of her insignificance. As silent ridicule ebbed, the blur of faces cleared, her voice felt reasonable, she saw individuals, picked out a keen old man, tried to make him laugh and marvel. But his eyes fell down, she took her seat, and never read again.

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13 comments

[8] Ranger 13-Oct-06/5:39 PM Reply
Did I say before that this reminded me of 'Mr. Tanner'? It's the last line that does it.

I'd try and make the last word of each stanza end on a stressed syllable; it feels like it needs a little more finality in the piece.
[n/a] Dovina › Ranger 14-Oct-06/10:18 AM Reply
Yes, I think you did, though I don't know a 'Mr. Tanner.' I seldom delete, but this cried out for it one late evening. Then after some changes, walla', it's back. "lack of finality" is reality of many real-life events, isn't it? Maybe she will read again someday, but at this point in time, the ending is final.

Regarding stressed syllables at stanza ends, I fail to see the need for it. I know you are much more atuned to the sound of poems than I am, so perhaps you can convince me of the need.
[8] Ranger › Dovina 14-Oct-06/11:53 AM Reply
Mr. Tanner is a Harry Chapin song. The story behind it is of a man who loves singing, is persuaded to do a show, gets shot down by the critics and never sings again. This is where the need for some sort of conclusiveness comes in - the fact that she never read after this is pretty final, isn't it? I mean, you say in your comment that she *could* read again someday, but the poem contradicts that.
Also, the way this is set up seems to show every line as being a definite action in a series of events. The weak endings let each line sort of run into the next, but I don't think it needs that. It feels to me like each line wants to be solid, conclusive. So for instance, you could write 'tried to make him marvel, laugh'. Or even 'marvel and laugh' if you're not too worried about iambic metre. This way I find lines end for good and the reader can then move on to the next event.
[n/a] Dovina › Ranger 15-Oct-06/1:23 PM Reply
The concept of finality is a transient one, unless we’re talking about death. Everything else seems to me non-final. We can say that something has ended – a marriage, a job, college, parenthood, an amputated limb – but it has a way of resurrecting, like her decision never to read poetry again.

I had to laugh at your suggestion on “marvel and laugh,” not because it isn’t metrically better, it is, but because you hold such a high regard for meter. You are a poet, while I am a mere philosopher.
[8] Ranger › Dovina 15-Oct-06/2:21 PM Reply
Sure, finality can have a degree of uncertainty to it. Even with death, maybe it's not the end. But in the poem you explicitly say 'and never read again', which has a sort of post-apocalyptic 'never ever, not under any circumstances has she, does she, or will she read. Not once.' I'd like to see that tone built to throughout.
I am not a poet. I barely count as an apprentice. But at the moment I'm going all-out crazy on metrics; the more I look for, talk about, and criticise other peoples' use of metre, the better I'll become at it. I'll probably sign up to eratosphere tomorrow, it looks a pretty good place to go for improving. I'll stay on the ranker as well, but probably worry less about posting proper critiques, and more about the fun stuff like renga-writing.
[8] drnick 14-Oct-06/10:32 AM Reply
I like the line "aware of her insignificance" as I can relate. This is how I feel posting on here, though I do still keep going unlike the person of whom you write. If you used some awkward wording in this it might force the reader to feel what she may have felt on the podium.
[n/a] Dovina › drnick 14-Oct-06/10:37 AM Reply
Awkward wording might show that, if I could figure a way to word it awkwardly without sounding like a clutz.
[7] nypoet22 14-Oct-06/1:27 PM Reply
the whole event seems a bit dry and distant. as a reader i can relate, but still have trouble caring about the characters. maybe try using some present tense to add immediacy? I disagree with nick about "aware of her insignificance." Although the line tells about feelings that are meaningful, they could be better shown through body language or imagery. the last line is too much information unsupported; what comes before does not adequately suggest a reason for such an extreme result.
[n/a] Dovina › nypoet22 15-Oct-06/1:23 PM Reply
The “extreme result” is her decision based on feelings of bitterness and hurt. It’s meant to show that in such an emotional state, our thinking loses objectivity and clarity. It mires in our perceived dilemma.
[6] howl 14-Oct-06/2:24 PM Reply
The same content would make a decent poem if your verbs weren't so dull.
[8] Ranger › howl 14-Oct-06/4:29 PM Reply
Yeah, the poem would be much better if it had 'zinzulated', 'expounded' and 'anaesthetised'.
[6] howl › Ranger 15-Oct-06/5:57 AM Reply
OK then more precise verbs.
[8] Ranger › howl 15-Oct-06/2:23 PM Reply
I'd even say the verbs are pretty definitive. What it needs is a solid image, like the podium, on which to build the story.