Poemranker [Replying] Mon Nov 25 04:16:51 PST 2024

Replying to a comment on:

Hiding behind the podium, holding on for support, she strove for brazen, but got the trembles. Millions of faces stared while she undressed on the high platform. Aware of her insignificance. As silent ridicule ebbed, the blur of faces cleared, her voice felt reasonable, she saw individuals, picked out a keen old man, tried to make him laugh and marvel. But his eyes fell down, she took her seat, and never read again.

Ranger

14-Oct-06/11:53 AM

Mr. Tanner is a Harry Chapin song. The story behind it is of a man who loves singing, is persuaded to do a show, gets shot down by the critics and never sings again. This is where the need for some sort of conclusiveness comes in - the fact that she never read after this is pretty final, isn't it? I mean, you say in your comment that she *could* read again someday, but the poem contradicts that.
Also, the way this is set up seems to show every line as being a definite action in a series of events. The weak endings let each line sort of run into the next, but I don't think it needs that. It feels to me like each line wants to be solid, conclusive. So for instance, you could write 'tried to make him marvel, laugh'. Or even 'marvel and laugh' if you're not too worried about iambic metre. This way I find lines end for good and the reader can then move on to the next event.

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