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Tidal (Free verse) by helenwales
I've got to get in Stranded at the asylum Monday brings a job Hot sand burns my toes Cigarette stuck to my lip I like flying kites The cusp of summer Chill of the ocean's cold soul Lost penguin swims alone Bob went to the beach He liked brown nubile bodies Undies in my crack Streamers dreamers fly Dinosaurs in the distance Sharing with my friend A big fat tummy A big fat bum blocks the sun I don't like this one Coopers on the beach The original pale ale Matches Heather's thongs Family fermented Collection depot when due Drinks vols brews and pissed Spongey, thick and new Karki green and fashionable Five bucks a bargain true Gradually worsening Bloody hell Adelle Cheese on the table I nurse my beer alone I don't like olives! Sprinkler hitting ground Move it back to the right spot Thirsty lawn exhales Facemask burning tight Red blotches cover my cheeks Haiku fly in drink J/H/H/H

Up the ladder: Get Over It
Down the ladder: Fifteen

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Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
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Arithmetic Mean: 6.0
Weighted score: 5.119203
Overall Rank: 5773
Posted: October 14, 2006 10:53 PM PDT; Last modified: October 14, 2006 10:57 PM PDT
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Comments:
[6] Dovina @ 12.72.37.27 | 15-Oct-06/2:12 PM | Reply
Somehow the rigid structure of haiku does not jive with stream-of-consciousness writing. Just holding 5-7-5 most of the time is not haiku. I'd make it all one stanza and let it flow.
[8] nypoet22 @ 65.10.116.105 > Dovina | 22-Oct-06/9:12 PM | Reply
i think it's mainly just you that running 5-7-5 doesn't jive with.
[6] Dovina @ 70.38.78.229 > nypoet22 | 23-Oct-06/2:40 PM | Reply
Probably right.
[8] nypoet22 @ 65.10.116.105 | 22-Oct-06/9:18 PM | Reply
not strictly haiku, but an interesting series of images nonetheless. the majority of these verses are closer to senryu (5-7-5 syllabic verse about people) than haiku (5-7-5 syllabic verse about nature). if these all really constitute one overall poem however, i would try to make your theme clearer, because i'm not seeing connection between the montage of images.
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