poemranker ::Tidal by helenwales

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Free verse № 147509

Tidal

Member since 2004 · Posted 14 Oct 2006 · Edited 14 Oct 2006 · 4 comments

I've got to get in Stranded at the asylum Monday brings a job Hot sand burns my toes Cigarette stuck to my lip I like flying kites The cusp of summer Chill of the ocean's cold soul Lost penguin swims alone Bob went to the beach He liked brown nubile bodies Undies in my crack Streamers dreamers fly Dinosaurs in the distance Sharing with my friend A big fat tummy A big fat bum blocks the sun I don't like this one Coopers on the beach The original pale ale Matches Heather's thongs Family fermented Collection depot when due Drinks vols brews and pissed Spongey, thick and new Karki green and fashionable Five bucks a bargain true Gradually worsening Bloody hell Adelle Cheese on the table I nurse my beer alone I don't like olives! Sprinkler hitting ground Move it back to the right spot Thirsty lawn exhales Facemask burning tight Red blotches cover my cheeks Haiku fly in drink J/H/H/H

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mean 6.00 weighted 5.12 rank 5845 views 152 View voting details →

4 votes so far. Yours would make 5.4 votes so far

4 comments

[6] Dovina 15-Oct-06/2:12 PM Reply
Somehow the rigid structure of haiku does not jive with stream-of-consciousness writing. Just holding 5-7-5 most of the time is not haiku. I'd make it all one stanza and let it flow.
[8] nypoet22 › Dovina 22-Oct-06/9:12 PM Reply
i think it's mainly just you that running 5-7-5 doesn't jive with.
[6] Dovina › nypoet22 23-Oct-06/2:40 PM Reply
Probably right.
[8] nypoet22 22-Oct-06/9:18 PM Reply
not strictly haiku, but an interesting series of images nonetheless. the majority of these verses are closer to senryu (5-7-5 syllabic verse about people) than haiku (5-7-5 syllabic verse about nature). if these all really constitute one overall poem however, i would try to make your theme clearer, because i'm not seeing connection between the montage of images.