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Close your eyes but keep your mind wide open (Free verse) by darylchew
Close your eyes but keep your mind wide open. The door is ajar. The dog is barking. The streets are empty and so is my head. The people walk past me. They walk through me. They stare through my body numb with self-denial. The wind is screaming, the curtains are drawn like my hands put over my ears. My heart is pounding, my limbs are shivering, ghost trains are running though my head all night. You are in the air, in the earth, in the sun, in the rain. You are in the deepest of my thoughts, thoughts i dare bring out of this closed box which is my heart only when the night is dead and bats reign over the fruit trees. (I'm sorry, that seat is taken.)

Up the ladder: Drowsy
Down the ladder: The Marble Me

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Arithmetic Mean: 5.4
Weighted score: 5.0476813
Overall Rank: 6909
Posted: May 28, 2007 6:53 AM PDT; Last modified: May 28, 2007 6:53 AM PDT
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Comments:
[7] nypoet22 @ 74.225.66.5 | 28-May-07/7:25 AM | Reply
the first line is completely unnecessary. the rest needs tightening of language.
[n/a] darylchew @ 218.186.8.13 > nypoet22 | 28-May-07/7:28 AM | Reply
ha, when was poetry ever necessary?
[7] nypoet22 @ 74.225.66.5 > darylchew | 28-May-07/7:56 AM | Reply
poor word choice by me. i meant it was cliche and the rest of the poem would be better off without it.
[n/a] darylchew @ 218.186.8.13 > nypoet22 | 28-May-07/7:58 AM | Reply
alright! got that line off bridge to terabithia, sort of a reply to the movie.
[6] Dovina @ 12.74.103.30 | 28-May-07/9:28 AM | Reply
numb with self-denial - doesn't show much. And it tries to tell something, but what?
[n/a] darylchew @ 218.186.8.13 > Dovina | 28-May-07/9:41 AM | Reply
the poem is about death and loss and how a person copes
[4] Skamper @ 202.6.128.2 | 29-May-07/6:07 AM | Reply
(I'm sorry, that seat is taken.) great line - work back from there and shorten your sentences - pull it all in tight and the image will just pop...
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