| Re: Beslan by Ranger |
12-Feb-11/11:35 PM |
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absolutely beautiful, wish i had been around when you posted it. love the interplay between musical and religious themes and the horror of the real life event.
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| Re: dictates of whose travel agency? by A. Nomaly |
12-Feb-11/11:39 PM |
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i wonder how many people miss the point of this. conversational tone, stripped to the bone. in its own way, this works.
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| Re: wishlist by versus_u |
12-Feb-11/11:40 PM |
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| Re: Jerusalem the Golden by rabbi sammy schtupp |
12-Feb-11/11:43 PM |
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is this intended to be ironic? it's not a bad piece, but i think you may have been trying for a clearer and more biting message.
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| Re: Best friends by amanda_dcosta |
13-Feb-11/12:27 AM |
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i have technical issues with this, but i can't even bring myself to voice them. it's just really sweet.
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| Re: Wish I was there... by amanda_dcosta |
13-Feb-11/12:33 AM |
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this belongs on a hallmark card. it feels like you could use some minor tweaking in the language, but for what it is, i think it's pretty good.
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| Re: It Is by Skamper |
18-Feb-11/4:17 PM |
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it'd be funny if he said it's a big dinosaur that helps you with your homework :)
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
12-Aug-11/7:44 AM |
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i have issues with the title. the imagery within the poem is mostly excellent. the line "spreads the joy" seems a bit out of place somehow, less crisp and specific than the rest.
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| Re: Purple Patches by skaskowski |
12-Aug-11/7:49 AM |
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light and whimsical in spite of the violent images.
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| Re: An Ode to Teenage Pimple Poets. by Y2kSlamPoet |
12-Aug-11/7:53 AM |
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i feel you on this. it's not always just the teens, either.
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| Re: Hobo. [Redux Revision v.2] by SupremeDreamer |
12-Aug-11/8:00 AM |
the conceit here ends with the word laptop. in my not so humble opinion, so should the poem.
the last two stanzas are already pretty clearly implied, almost a completely different poem. i think the sudden change in perspective weakens rather than strengthens.
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| Re: Munnar -a must -see destination by Jessina |
12-Aug-11/8:04 AM |
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| Re: The Owl in the Wasteland by Caducus |
12-Aug-11/8:13 AM |
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i like the word use and images. thirsting for a babe that sleeps in the sun's fleece, our bones become hands shaped at midnight, let dusk hatch us silver. super. this would be a nine or a ten, but the very last line seems not to fit at all.
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| Re: David & Derrick by TheModestKing |
12-Aug-11/8:32 AM |
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the first line is great, but the rest lacks specifics. what behavior? kill what? drink what?
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| Re: Counting by Dovina |
12-Aug-11/9:57 AM |
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i think is among your best.
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| Re: Regterezone: Dosh. by T. Jonathron Remp |
16-Aug-11/3:41 PM |
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care to post an english translation?
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| Re: it is my turn this season by daniella |
26-Mar-12/11:53 PM |
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i don't think i saw this poem's earlier versions. i like what you did with the imagery, though, much tighter than the lines SD commented on. i'm not sure i understand what you did with the seasons. it looks like the stanzas are fall-summer-spring, is the backward progression of the seasons intentional?
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| Re: prosepiece by skaskowski |
28-Mar-12/7:57 PM |
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i'm assuming this is at least partly autobiographical. it's thought-provoking and sounds genuine, the pro and con of the post-breakup drunk text. the last time i felt like doing that texting was in its infancy and she didn't have a cell phone. when you're in the mood, i'd suggest paring down the adjectives so it hits harder and faster.
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| Re: nothing to say by nentwined |
24-Mar-21/10:20 AM |
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thanks for... well... nothing.
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| Re: Game Over by nentwined |
24-Mar-21/10:22 AM |
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last stanza not necessary, trying to be too broad. stick with the image and stop where it stops.
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