| Poem: Submit | Random | Best | Worst | Recent | Comments |
|
Weather poem part 5: the cold dusk (Free verse) by nypoet22 Everyone mentions the weather,
hurts when cut,
bleeds real blood,
cries gently.
She scouted her next boyfriend
from beside my bed;
somewhere she knew this,
knew what she had done.
I watched it happen,
breathed, carried boxes
and feigned ignorance.
Who played the bigger coward
for not speaking out?
All i know is
wind cools the tears,
night brings release
and hell,
i miss her.
Up the ladder:
Colors of Me
Down the ladder:
Forsaken Love
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 5.8
Posted: September 30, 2006 6:36 AM PDT; Last modified: October 1, 2006 11:56 AM PDTWeighted score: 5.095362 Overall Rank: 6105 Comments:
It's hard to tell a story with verses in haiku. And they are haiku only in meter. I think it's too restraining to do that. A good try though.
not haiku, senryu. there are numerous different forms that use 5-7-5 syllabic meter. weather poem 3 is a renga, which is another 5-7-5 form.
I only meant that the 575 meter feels like it has you in a straightjacket in this application. I see no benefit to using it in a story such as this.
good point. i never really planned for it to be senryu format, the words just sort of fell into it by accident, i guess because i've been using 5-7-5 with some frequency of late. i like the cadence the way it is, but i'm going to change the line breaks. see if you think it makes a difference.
I like it better this way, flows easier, less forced.
I disagree on the "Everyone cries gently". Some people cry only violently. Same with laughter. It can be frightening.
Doesn't feel forced, which is nice, but does feel trite, to me. 251 view(s)
|
||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
It still works well. I like the high percentage of feminine line endings, it makes it gentle, yet slightly ragged (like bleeding cuts). Only thing I'd be wary of here - and I should have said this last time round - is that the first line is slightly awkward to link to the rest of that stanza. I assume you mean it in the sense that everyone mentions the weather, everyone hurts when cut, everyone bleeds real blood - but does everyone cry gently? I guess it's a bit of an unfair gripe to just pick at something minor like that, but when the rest's as good as it is, why not strive for perfection? ;-)