Replying to a comment on:

Weather poem part 5: the cold dusk (Free verse) by nypoet22

Everyone mentions the weather, hurts when cut, bleeds real blood, cries gently. She scouted her next boyfriend from beside my bed; somewhere she knew this, knew what she had done. I watched it happen, breathed, carried boxes and feigned ignorance. Who played the bigger coward for not speaking out? All i know is wind cools the tears, night brings release and hell, i miss her.

Ranger 1-Oct-06/1:30 PM
My pleasure :-)

It still works well. I like the high percentage of feminine line endings, it makes it gentle, yet slightly ragged (like bleeding cuts). Only thing I'd be wary of here - and I should have said this last time round - is that the first line is slightly awkward to link to the rest of that stanza. I assume you mean it in the sense that everyone mentions the weather, everyone hurts when cut, everyone bleeds real blood - but does everyone cry gently? I guess it's a bit of an unfair gripe to just pick at something minor like that, but when the rest's as good as it is, why not strive for perfection? ;-)




Track and Plan your submissions ; Read some Comics ; Get Paid for your Poetry
PoemRanker Copyright © 2001 - 2024 - kaolin fire - All Rights Reserved
All poems Copyright © their respective authors
An internet tradition since June 9, 2001