Poemranker [Poem: The Dovina Memorial Bike Lane] [by Dovina] Thu Nov 21 09:27:35 PST 2024

[0] Edna Sweetlove @ 85.210.243.148 | 23-Sep-06/7:09 PM | Reply

Drivel. Total drivel.

Dedicated April 1, 20xx
by the repentant
Carpinteria City Council

What in Christ's name does that mean?

[10] Ranger @ 86.145.25.247 > Edna Sweetlove | 24-Sep-06/4:15 AM | Reply

Dedicated on April the first, two thousand and (unspecified).
By the Carpinteria City Council, who were repentant (adj., feeling sorry or remorseful, especially for a wrongdoing).

CONGRATS! YOUR COMMENT HAS ACHIEVED 'DIM LEVEL' 4!!! YOU NOW HAVE THE ACCESS CODE TO AREA *IDIOT_LIBRARY*!!!

[n/a] Dovina @ 12.72.44.136 > Ranger | 24-Sep-06/2:46 PM | Reply

Thnaks for the zero-balancing ten, but how about a comment on the poem. We all know Edna is dim.

[10] Ranger @ 86.140.69.153 > Dovina | 24-Sep-06/11:15 PM | Reply

I will; I've been packing though, so I'd rather spend thirty seconds balancing out the trolling damage and wait until I have some time to properly think and comment - I'll be back in Cardiff later today, so I'll have the time then :-)

[10] Ranger @ 62.252.32.15 > Ranger | 27-Sep-06/3:05 PM | Reply

I promised I'd come back and read; now I am in the 'diff and poemranker's accessible, I've read. Good poem! Definitely a nicely underused (if not downright original) idea and it's said so very directly...but without being smug, which is difficult to achieve. It reads very quickly - only two places didn't quite follow for me: 'covertly abused her job' has '-ly' and 'a-' together which interrupted my reading (changing 'abused' to simply 'used' would solve it there) and 'whereupon', which fits but is a bit long. However, I might be reading it *too* fast, in which case most other people probably wouldn't find the issues that I did. Definitely worth a nine, I'm not changing the ten though. If this got a score lower than it deserves, I'd feel guilty.

[n/a] Dovina @ 12.72.43.168 > Ranger | 27-Sep-06/8:49 PM | Reply

Thanks for getting back to this. I agree that âwhereuponâ is too long and legal. Iâll change it to âwhere its need was realized.â The used-abused decision falls, at least to me, to abused, because her act was abuse of her responsibility. Again, let me say that I expect no Edna-countering in anybodyâs vote. Please vote as you rate the poem.

[10] nypoet22 @ 65.10.92.48 | 24-Sep-06/6:21 PM | Reply

damn right! if i were you i'd rework the line breaks to emphasize more verbs. "abused" is buried in the middle of a line when it needed to be front and center. i think you captured here something we all sometimes wish we could do: pull all the politicians out of their chairs, shake them violently and talk some sense, dammit!

[10] nypoet22 @ 65.10.92.48 > nypoet22 | 24-Sep-06/6:23 PM | Reply

and maybe more present tense instead of past tense. try it.

[n/a] Dovina @ 12.72.44.205 > nypoet22 | 24-Sep-06/7:31 PM | Reply

I agree on putting âabusedâ at the front of a new line. Iâll look at rewarking some of the other verbs too. Changing the verbs to present tense, though, takes from the antiquated feeling Iâm trying for. Picture a brass plaque set in a concrete monument beside the bicycle lane in downtown Carpinteria. I doubt if it will ever be there, but it should. Thanks for the comment and vote.

[10] leonxic @ 129.7.120.229 | 26-Sep-06/1:47 PM | Reply

If nothing else, the subject matter is completely original. Great idea; wish i'd thought of it.

[n/a] Dovina @ 12.72.43.168 > leonxic | 27-Sep-06/8:51 PM | Reply

All you have to do is get angry about something and then devise sour grapes to appease your anger. Thanks for the vote and comment.