poemranker ::The Dovina Memorial Bike Lane by Dovina

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Free verse № 146612

The Dovina Memorial Bike Lane

by Dovina

Member since 2004 · Posted 23 Sep 2006 · 11 comments

----Buried in this ground---- ashes of the founder remains of the defier bequeathed to the City for burial here by one who covertly abused her job Drafter Dovina the Drafter to subvert City officials disobey her boss and bring this bike lane before a public meeting whereupon its need was realized and the city acquiesced Dedicated April 1, 20xx by the repentant Carpinteria City Council

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mean 5.50 weighted 5.13 rank 5596 views 282 View voting details →

6 votes so far. Yours would make 7.6 votes so far

11 comments

[0] Edna Sweetlove 23-Sep-06/7:09 PM Reply
Drivel. Total drivel.

Dedicated April 1, 20xx
by the repentant
Carpinteria City Council

What in Christ's name does that mean?
[10] Ranger › Edna Sweetlove 24-Sep-06/4:15 AM Reply
Dedicated on April the first, two thousand and (unspecified).
By the Carpinteria City Council, who were repentant (adj., feeling sorry or remorseful, especially for a wrongdoing).

CONGRATS! YOUR COMMENT HAS ACHIEVED 'DIM LEVEL' 4!!! YOU NOW HAVE THE ACCESS CODE TO AREA *IDIOT_LIBRARY*!!!
[n/a] Dovina › Ranger 24-Sep-06/2:46 PM Reply
Thnaks for the zero-balancing ten, but how about a comment on the poem. We all know Edna is dim.
[10] Ranger › Dovina 24-Sep-06/11:15 PM Reply
I will; I've been packing though, so I'd rather spend thirty seconds balancing out the trolling damage and wait until I have some time to properly think and comment - I'll be back in Cardiff later today, so I'll have the time then :-)
[10] Ranger › Ranger 27-Sep-06/3:05 PM Reply
I promised I'd come back and read; now I am in the 'diff and poemranker's accessible, I've read. Good poem! Definitely a nicely underused (if not downright original) idea and it's said so very directly...but without being smug, which is difficult to achieve. It reads very quickly - only two places didn't quite follow for me: 'covertly abused her job' has '-ly' and 'a-' together which interrupted my reading (changing 'abused' to simply 'used' would solve it there) and 'whereupon', which fits but is a bit long. However, I might be reading it *too* fast, in which case most other people probably wouldn't find the issues that I did. Definitely worth a nine, I'm not changing the ten though. If this got a score lower than it deserves, I'd feel guilty.
[n/a] Dovina › Ranger 27-Sep-06/8:49 PM Reply
Thanks for getting back to this. I agree that “whereupon” is too long and legal. I’ll change it to “where its need was realized.” The used-abused decision falls, at least to me, to abused, because her act was abuse of her responsibility. Again, let me say that I expect no Edna-countering in anybody’s vote. Please vote as you rate the poem.
[10] nypoet22 24-Sep-06/6:21 PM Reply
damn right! if i were you i'd rework the line breaks to emphasize more verbs. "abused" is buried in the middle of a line when it needed to be front and center. i think you captured here something we all sometimes wish we could do: pull all the politicians out of their chairs, shake them violently and talk some sense, dammit!
[10] nypoet22 › nypoet22 24-Sep-06/6:23 PM Reply
and maybe more present tense instead of past tense. try it.
[n/a] Dovina › nypoet22 24-Sep-06/7:31 PM Reply
I agree on putting “abused” at the front of a new line. I’ll look at rewarking some of the other verbs too. Changing the verbs to present tense, though, takes from the antiquated feeling I’m trying for. Picture a brass plaque set in a concrete monument beside the bicycle lane in downtown Carpinteria. I doubt if it will ever be there, but it should. Thanks for the comment and vote.
[10] leonxic 26-Sep-06/1:47 PM Reply
If nothing else, the subject matter is completely original. Great idea; wish i'd thought of it.
[n/a] Dovina › leonxic 27-Sep-06/8:51 PM Reply
All you have to do is get angry about something and then devise sour grapes to appease your anger. Thanks for the vote and comment.