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Hailing Miriam (Free verse) by Ranger Eight forty-three, it's Paris dreaming, Saint-Sulpice
A city of gold behind linen sheet and beads
And Miriam
With a hint of morning in her eyes
That tortoiseshell laugh
She's a courtyard queen, a cafe light
A Spanish dance - acoustic rhythm sweeping by
Echo over stone; footfalls in Our Lady's Chamber
With a pale flame and 'Hail Mary'
Waiting for Miriam underneath the August sun
To hear the tap on cobbled streets
She loves to tango
In the evening she'll whirl across the square
To an open-air quartet
A smile on her lips - ruby shine
Three-inch heels
As the sunset sets a flame on cross
A hand extended like a lily reaching heavens
Watching us all sail by
Veiled Grail
Hailing Mary
Railing at the night to stay
But Miriam finds herself under streetlights
Lazy orbs of fire
Reflections of the moon, its ferris spin
She moves too soon
But not gracelessly, beneath the arch where everything is new
She thinks it's better with two
A bench beside etched with scores of lovers
She flies past hair a satin summer dress
And beckons through the doorway
The promise of incense
Burning softly, hesitant sensation
Where the light is gentle, there she will be
Bathed in silk, blessed by musk
She longs to be the crucifix
To stop the innocence burning, yearning
Pushing out the nails, trailing
Hailing Mary
Miriam
The unforgiven, the beautiful
Crying out for the passion
As the darkness is failing, wailing
Hailing Mary
Lorelei no longer, reborn
Hailing Mary
Up the ladder:
lost memories
Down the ladder:
Sympathy
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 7.6153846
Posted: January 28, 2006 4:13 AM PST; Last modified: January 28, 2006 4:13 AM PSTWeighted score: 6.911999 Overall Rank: 219 Comments:
[9]
Dovina @ 69.175.32.104
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28-Jan-06/9:44 AM
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Reply
A flurry of great lines, and then the ending. Who is Lorelei? A mystical, colorful, and sad read.
[n/a]
Ranger @ 62.252.32.15
> Dovina
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28-Jan-06/12:05 PM
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Reply
Lorelei is in myth a mermaid (I can't remember the details of where, somewhere in Germany there's a 'singing' rock in the valley's river which gave birth to the legend). The story goes that she was betrayed by her lover and threw herself into the river and died, becoming the mermaid who would sing to lure sailors to their death. To be honest, I wasn't sure about including that line, but I liked the sound of it and I liked the contrast between the holiness of Mary and the less-than-holy nature of Lorelei. I'm glad you like this one though, in the last two years it's the only thing I've written that I really like!
Lots to like, Ranger. This may be the best thing you've posted. "Reflections of the moon, its ferris spin" is a terrific line.
Some of the rhymes are distracting--seem the sort of thing you'd do in a first draft and maybe kill later. Re: Lorelei, maybe go with Lilith or some other biblical character instead (to play off Mary) or someone in a similar role in French myth/lit (since it's Paris)? Great energy to this.
Quite a nice piece. As for tortoiseshell laugh, thats a new one for me.... insight needed.
I wanted something rich and slightly exotic whilst not being overly cliched...just a bit of inventive improvisation, that's all.
It reads beautifully. A little long perhaps, but each individual line is worth it.
This is a long read...but was worth the effort. You have a strange sense of rhyme and in rythm in this piece; it took a reread, to find a comfortable rythm to read it by.
"Lorelei no longer"...? where did that come from? and it seems the passionate Miriam is reborn, in the end, hailing Mary....but I liked her as she was! I liked the contrast of the two: Mary and Miriam...one the Madonna the other the whore...both a part of who we are, as women. Miriam stands brilliantly as she is! Would you have had Miriam save Mary from her chastity, by saving her from it...and thus freeing her to her passionate self? No? Then I wouldn't have had Mary saving Miriam. And leave Lorelei out of it.LOL...change that and I'll change my score to a 10...(whch I never give!)
LOL...you can tell that I don't (and will never) read the scores or comments before I post my own! Sorry, I said alot of what was already posted.
Ah, no worries - it's good to get everyone's reaction individually, if you say what other people say then I'm going to have to think more about it! With regards to the rhythm, it's a very confused poem...I'm not sure what happened with it, it just wrote itself in a way. Again, Lorelei - I think the reason she came to mind was because she was something that neither Mary nor Miriam is...they both have a certain holiness about them and are the sweet sides of femininity, Lorelei is the antithesis.
I think I will leave this one as it is for a time and return when I have cleared my mind...everything seems more crystal after a week or so. Thank you for your advice though - to everyone who's commented!
Hi Ranger,
I love your poem - it really paints a picture for me. I think it would read easier if you split it into stanzas. The natural points (to my eye) were after With a pale flame and 'Hail Mary'; As the sunset sets a flame on cross /*cross on flame?*/; But Miriam finds herself under streetlights; She thinks it's better with two; Bathed in silk, blessed by musk; Miriam; Hailing Mary. I also thought that 'As the darkness is failing, wailing' would be better without the 'wailing'. Somehow the line 'She thinks it's better with two' doesn't work for me. Thanks, Adriaan
I admit that I had to read the explanation of Lorelei to understand the reference, however once I had done so I understood... she is no longer luring men to their (little?) deaths.
It moves along quite swiftly or maybe that's just how I chose to read it(I don't know) but when I read it at that pace I found it quite passionate.
Yes, I'm not good at writing slow poems; this all came to me in a hurry which is I think reflected in the way it turned out.
Thanks for having a read, everyones' comments are (as always) much appreciated!
I have another one on its way sometime soon...but I just can't get it right...grr
Wow, this is really good. I like the 7th line, a very good analogy. There's so much to like, very well written. The part of this poem that is really amazing is how the rythem reflected how I would imagine her dancing: light and skippy, but so very graceful and smooth.
You'll get a 10 from me when you change the Lorelei line, Craigus.
xxx
I happen to enjoy this poem as is. Great flowing rhythm, excellent imagery. I do, however, agree with the others who have stated that replacing Lorelei with someone readers can relate to either Mary or the location of the poem. Excellent work though.
i wonder how many readers understand the historical significance here. this is very well thought out. my suggestion would be to have liner notes like eliot, explaining the references.
Thank you :-) I don't think anyone's yet told me they picked up one the history (but I wrote it more than half an hour ago, so my memory isn't going to be that reliable a guide...) You got the Miriam/Mary bit?
yup.
:-)
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