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Jose Streets (Free verse) by SupremeDreamer
San Jose, smokin 'n thizzin everyday hustlin, watchin the friday whores buzzin 'round Toons tonight. I'm a hobo who sleeps outside closed doors- the decay of western society my appearance of filth rings true traveling a road traversed only by a fated few. Drop-out kids mingle down at the 2nd street light rail station- aloof, separated from the clubbers, they like me live, love, sleep, sell & get high on these unkind streets- them club-flies are just visiting. Baseheads shuffle amongst them, in shadows, making their purchases- hopin that it ain't soap this time 'round. I watch the ruckus in silence. These well-to-do party sluts seem to take over with their eternal pleasure complexes, as if they owned Downtown- until they decide, foolishly, to start beef with us locals. Then and again they must be reminded that they're just visitin. The happiness amongst drunken sadness- this air of celebration seems plastic, cold, and without true spirit, hating their masks of joy, knowing I could never embrace the lie. Stripped of material value, I look on in disgust at their wanton display of seeming prosperity- wishing I could physically erase their self-induced feelings of gaiety. When the liquors been drunk, pussy fucked, egos boosted by the empty Friday victories, all's left is the slow grip of silence, trash floating with the early mornin' breeze. The few remaining drop-in kids depart for their tellies & various sleep spots. And me, exhausted, alone, praying for some miraculous retreat- barely soothed by the cheap malta flowin through my junkie veins, succumbing this spiritual restlessness into dark inebriated sleep. Alas, I too trudge twards my squat- trudging finally to dream the hate and emptiness away, comforted by the blessed arrival of unconsciousness.

Up the ladder: Bar Tale 2.0
Down the ladder: to a girl from msn

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Arithmetic Mean: 6.0
Weighted score: 5.2689414
Overall Rank: 3824
Posted: September 14, 2006 4:37 PM PDT; Last modified: September 14, 2006 4:37 PM PDT
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Comments:
[7] Dovina @ 12.72.43.180 | 14-Sep-06/7:58 PM | Reply
There’s something about a man writing his own story, honestly and as he sees it, that comes across uninteresting. We want the twist of phrase, the poetry, the stimulating possibilities. We don’t want what’s actually there. You gave us poetry with “dark inebriated sleep,” but took, for the most part the known road. Good job.
[5] pete @ 195.92.168.168 | 16-Sep-06/9:30 AM | Reply
maybe needs reworking? definitely a story worth the telling, but didn't flow for me... started off fizzing
[9] nypoet22 @ 65.9.114.211 | 17-Sep-06/4:12 AM | Reply
the word Toons, while it may be true to your experience, sounds weird, brings in images of kids cartoons, which i think isn't what you want. i happen to think that most of this reads brilliant, and probably sounds even moreso when you perform it.
"barely soothed by the cheap malta flowin through my junkie veins" is definitely a line to keep. some tightening up might be called for, but i like the flow here a lot.
[n/a] SupremeDreamer @ 71.133.225.30 > nypoet22 | 19-Sep-06/9:01 AM | Reply
nypoet, let me clarify something for you: Toons is an actual night club in san jose, california, right on the corner of second and santa clara. I didn't make up the name, they did. Heh. Thanks for the comments & vote.
[9] nypoet22 @ 65.10.92.48 > SupremeDreamer | 24-Sep-06/8:31 AM | Reply
no need to clarify. as i said, i assumed the name was true to your experience (i.e. the actual name of a real club). but as picasso said, art is a lie that shows us the truth. In my opinion it'd be better for the purposes of your poem to pretend it was a club with a different name.
[7] ecargo @ 167.219.88.140 | 18-Sep-06/8:40 AM | Reply
Probably works pretty well as a spoken word piece--there is a kind of street-beat to it. Descriptive, but some of the descriptions lack freshness, a unique way of putting things. Pretty good overall, but I think your contempt for the slummers weakens the impact overall--the bleakness comes through strongly, but I think it would be even more effective if your disdain (your narrator's disdain) was tempered with more, I dunno, wistfulness or some softer emotion.
[7] Ranger @ 86.131.44.143 | 19-Sep-06/12:29 PM | Reply
Argh! The curse of the "'n" strikes again! I know, I know, I'm a Queen's English snob, I'll get over it one day...
Anyway, I quite liked the story but struggled to get the beat to it. ecargo's better at this than me, but I do think it wants reworking, or maybe just reclassifying. Done as prose it would seem very akin to the monologue introduction to a character story (does need to be spoken though). Decent enough, let me know if you do any edits of this; I'd be interested to read :-)
[n/a] SupremeDreamer @ 71.133.225.30 > Ranger | 20-Sep-06/8:50 AM | Reply
I'll be sure to let you know Ranger, and sorry if my use of "'n" drives you bonkers. :x
[7] Ranger @ 86.142.242.175 > SupremeDreamer | 21-Sep-06/11:03 AM | Reply
It's okay, I think I'm going to have to get used to people saying it if I ever want to visit America ;-)
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